A Grace Full Life

1.30.2015

Pain

I originally wrote this earlier this week and then deleted it.
I had inadvertently saved it to Word on my computer and have decided, after support from my family and friends, to publish this.
I shared on my personal Facebook yesterday that I have been suffering and mentioned I didn't want sympathy.....which is why I posted it to .....Facebook?
I guess maybe I did want some sympathy, I think we all do deep down inside when we are having a rough go of things.
I think having a cheer section helps keep you going and we can learn a lot from not keeping it all inside and being able to talk openly about life, bad AND good.
Because as amazing as life is, there are some really crappy moments and if we just put it out there, I think there would be a lot less suffering and heartbreak.
I love my family and friends so much, I think they know but it is good to hear.
This has been edited a bit to include the events that occurred yesterday to push me to write the status update call for sympathy.


I don't like to talk about the bad in my life.
We all know that the bad is there in every day and for some reason, I don't want to dwell on it.
Especially in this space.
But today, as I write these words, I feel like I need to talk to you.
I am in pain.
Mostly physical pain but am sure much of it is rooted in emotional pain as well but mostly physical in nature.

Since the beginning of January, I have had some sort of headache for most days of the week.
I have headaches on a monthly basis, usually migraine and usually hormonal but manageable.
Nothing my sumatriptan couldn't take care of here and there.
Since 2005 I have dealt with migraines, some months better than others but nothing like the month I am having.
I have tried oils, massage therapy, changed my diet, basically anything and everything.
I will be at my doctors office on Monday morning for the first time and until then I am praying that she won't just tell me it's in my head.
Because I just can't do it any more.

I consider myself to be a really strong person.
I have gone through a lot of crap over the past 15 years and I am still here.
Weary but here.
But this is bringing me to my knees, literally.
When you are in pain you can't enjoy life.
I am not enjoying the simple things like watching the Real Housewives on DVR after the kids go to bed or getting a hot chocolate with whipped cream.
Because when I am not in pain, I am constantly worrying about when the pain will be back.
And when I am in pain, I am not in a good place.

I have days where I stare out the window and wonder why I am going through this.
Is it a life lesson?
Is it my fault?
Am I causing my own pain?
WHY WHY WHY????


The M's are days with migraines. The H's are days with headaches. This is the most depressing journal ever.

My kids are tired of seeing me in pain, my seven year old talks about "migrians" like it is a common cold.
"Do you have a migrian today, mommy?"
My almost 15 year old found me sobbing in the shower last weekend, I had the doors shut but apparently I was louder than I realized.
Hugging me, wet and naked as my body heaved with emotional vomiting was a moment she won't soon forget, I am sure.
It has been really shitty.

I try to make light of life for the most part, try to get through each day with something to make me laugh but this is something that is bringing me down so hard, sometimes I honestly don't think I can get up again.
I actually said to my mom on the phone last week, " if it takes ten years off my life to make the pain go away, I don't even care any more".
That isn't me.
I don't know who I am any more.
My daughters and husband don't know what to do, as amazing as they are, I don't know what I would do without them.


Yesterday, I woke up with another headache after going to bed with one the night before.
To say I woke up low, is an understatement.
My youngest had been sick the previous day so I had her stay home this day as well.
It was a gray late January day, I was in pain and my youngest was asking, at 7:30 am "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO TODAY?!?!"
She should have gone back to school, in hindsight, but I wanted to make sure she was 24 hours from illness before sending her back.

When my husband was leaving for work, I clung to his jacket and sobbed.
Like, heaving sobs.
I feel so awful for sending him to work a 14 hour day like that.
It wasn't my finest moment.
No, telling my sweet seven year old daughter who had a taste for a muffin from Panera that "I called them and they sold out of all the desserts today" was my least finest moment.
Sigh.

I have been begging God, the Universe, any one who will listen up there, to help me help myself.
I know you up there aren't giving me the pain I am feeling down here but please, I am begging you, help me.
I started to doubt.
I started to question, I am ashamed to admit.
Why, why, why?

An hour after my husband left, the phone rang and it was my mom, responding to a very alarming text from me, I am sure.
Something like, I can't take it any more or I want my mommy.
I used to hide any negative feelings, especially to my mom who is far away because honestly I didn't want to worry her.
She is 11 hours away, there is nothing realistically she can do, I will be better eventually, why worry her?
I am at the point in my pain where I can't hide it anymore.
And I am so glad I didn't.

We had an hour conversation, we cried, we talked, we hoped, we wished.
We told each other, in between sobs, how much we loved each other, how we wished to GOD we lived close and how we can't wait, literally can't wait to see each other.
Stuff we usually say but this conversation was different.
It was deep and emotional and really, really real.
I got off the phone, turned on some 80's music, turned on every light in the house at noon and made snicker doodles for Ella and me.
OK mostly for me, but she loved them too.
The same snicker doodle recipe I made when I was in 4-H in 6th grade.
I felt like it was 1982 all over again.
It was healing, having my mom's words in my heart, my 4-H cookies in my belly, my childhood music in my ears.

It was around two in the afternoon when the doorbell rang.
Ella sprang to get it and I whispered "NOOOOO".
The other day, when I had a migraine of course, a salesman for a window company came and had me standing in the cold with an ice pack on my head, making a decision to get new windows for our home.
I have lost the ability to reason with this month long tour 'o pain.
So I stood there, talking to his boss on his phone, trying to figure out a day when I would be home to have a "free estimate".
"NOOOOOO" I whispered, "don't answer it!"
It rang two more times.
Then a knock.
WHAT THE FRESH HELL GET A CLUE ALREADY!!!
Then I worried, was it a neighbor who needed help?
Did a child lose their key off the school bus?
I finally answered it and saw a woman taping a note to my door.
It was a flower delivery van.
And the woman looked like the mom of one of my childhood friends.
I literally bawled as she handed me the flowers.
She probably thought, this poor woman never gets flowers. There there.


As soon as I saw it was tulips, I knew it was from my husband.


And I sobbed yet again.

It was while I was in the glow of the flowers that my 14 year old came home.
I was so happy to see her and showed her the flowers and told her about the phone call.
While she was eating a snicker doodle, she noticed the note on the flowers and said "aww he is a keeper".
That made me laugh and as I was laughing the door bell rang again.
It was a package.
My 14 year old said who it was from and I knew.

I opened it to find Ohio in the box.
My friend Vikki is so special.
I wrote a post about her that pertained to Flat Kari but never got to publish it because I couldn't upload the pictures but here is an excerpt because I really want her to read this:

My dear friend Vikki inspires me.
She is special to me, I think she knows she is but I am using this public forum to announce it.
She sends me care packages from my sweet little Ohio hometown here and there.
She will message me on Facebook with something so amazingly random and loving that it sends me through my day with a smile.
You know the goofy smile that people go, "my GOODNESS what is that woman ON? And can she give me some?".

Inside the box were little things from home that meant a huge deal to me.





Flyer's from places I love.
A newspaper from my home area.
A box of love, is what it was.
The thing is, she had no idea I was going through the month of hell.
I normally tell my friends what is going on in my life but for some reason, the more I talked about this, the more real it became.
I didn't want my life to be full of pain talk, quite honestly.
I wanted to preserve some relationships in my life with just talk of life not of pain, if that makes sense.


This day, the talk with my mommy, the cookies while listening to Purple Rain,  the flowers, the box of love, all of it was a huge sign that I am not alone.
I am very much not alone and it is clear that I have angels among me.
Thank you to everyone who messaged me and texted me after reading my call for sympathy on Facebook yesterday.
With every ding of my text or message coming in via Facebook, I had tears streaming down my face.
Happy tears.
I love all of you and I want to get better.
If you are in pain, or suffering of any kind, please stop holding it in.
Because you are really hurting yourself and the people around you.
You made a difference yesterday, a life changing difference and I will never forget it.




 

1.26.2015

Donut Decorating Birthday Party is Much Better Than a Steak Decorating Party. Ask Around.






January is a tough month for those who live up north.
So I guess anything north of Kentucky in these parts.
It plain sucks.
When it isn't below zero, it's 30 degrees slushy and gloomy.
When the sun is out here in January, it usually means it is 2 outside.
That Mother Nature sure is one funny minx.
Except she isn't funny and switch minx with a word that rhymes with ditch.
Yes, much better.


When I first found out I was pregnant with my Ellie, I immediately counted on my fingers when her possible due date was.
January.
Smack dab in January.
Eesh.
I even said, "I am sorry" aloud to my belly once realizing it was gonna be lots of blizzards, sick kids who can't come to her parties, and just plain ick.

So I need to have ammo to combat the winter blech's around here to make her birthday party special.
First word of warning if you are planning a birthday party: don't go on Pinterest.
Just.
Don't.
It was on the night before her party when I was typing in "party games" into the Pinterest search engine that I finally got what all the Pinterest haters have been talking about for years.
HOLY CRAP PEOPLE NEEDS TO GETS A GRIP.
When did kids birthday parties become such a production?
I just wanted to play a simple pin the tail on the donkey and instead I was inundated with elaborate games with rules and game pieces and like, prizes;  tables that had FABRIC napkins, cakes that were shaped like Elsa's ice castle.
Made by hand.
With Nutella and mason jars.


The only thing I had planned was for them to decorate donuts because those are Ella's favorite dessert and that would take the place of the cake.
CHEAP ME IS ALWAYS A THINKIN'.
I didn't want to spend more than $100 on everything from the food, plates, decorations, invitations, pop etc.
I know $100 sounds like a lot but it isn't, trust me.
To give you an idea, if you rent a local bouncy house room for two hours it costs $250 for the room alone.
That's a lot of donuts.
Just sayin'.

You all know how I feel about Walmart.
I am not a snob to those just reading me for the first time but I like my grocery experience to be happy and it just usually isn't at Walmart.
I was planning on going to Dollar Tree to get all the plates but it was a Frozen theme party (of course it was) and they don't have the blue I was looking for.
You know, "Elsa blue".
Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about.
IT'S A THING.
So in to Walmart I went...said like Eeyore.

I have to admit, Walmart hooked me up.
Not only did they have the "Elsa blue" plates etc. I was looking for but it was three cents cheaper per item than Dollar Tree.

DAMMIT WALMART WHY CAN'T I QUIT YOU?!?!





The silver paper cups were in sets of eight for 97 cents, so I used those for all the donut toppings.
For the donut toppings, I used frosting from a can (I can hear the collective sighs from here. KIDS LOVE FROSTING FROM A CAN, OK?), those cool blue candies were also from Walmart, sprinkles I had in my pantry and little Frozen picks that I found there as well.




We got our donuts from a local chain because we had a gift card.
If you are planning a donut decorating party, make sure you get your donuts first thing in the morning or they will be gone.
Then you won't be decorating donuts but rather decorating something like steaks and kids don't like to decorate raw meat.



Ella wanted a "donut cake".
So I stacked some on a cake plate I already had.
We also got donut holes too because GIFT CARD and I wanted extra little donuts for the kids to eat because NO CAKE.
By the way, the day of this party I couldn't eat donuts.
Long story.
I will be sharing it with you in a post very soon.
SO IMAGINE THE HELL OF BEING SURROUNDED BY DONUTS AND NOT EVEN EATING ONE.
I want credit.



OK so the pretzels were a last minute addition because I didn't have enough sprinkles.
They turned out to be a hit.
Who knew?




Tablecloth? 97 cents.
Napkins? 97 cents.
Paper cups? 97 cents.
Bag of balloons? 97 cents.
Hot air to fill balloons? Free thanks to the hubs.
He's got a lot to spare.
WHAT?
He does.
OK so do I.


SEE THE PRETZEL CREATION???
Who knew??

The balloons hanging from the chandelier were a huge hit with Ella.
I made it while she was in the basement playing and when she came up she was beaming.
97 cents for joy.
You can't beat that.
KISS THAT BOUNCY HOUSE PLACE.


It is so happy that I am leaving it up til they fall down.



Because January looks a lot better with Tiffany blue balloons hanging from the ceiling.
Especially when you can't eat donuts.

 

1.21.2015

Why Is Netflix Sending Me Cat Pictures???

I get prompts periodically from Netflix suggesting what is cool to talk about that particular month.
Don't get me wrong, they are in no way telling me what to write.
Nope just gentle prompts about new movies and such that are premiering on Netflix.
This is the thing: they have no idea who they are dealing with.
Well, I think they do by now because its been a solid year but I am not one to do what I am told.
To follow the rules.
Go with the flow.
Oh yes, I am afraid of authority and all that goes along with it.
I am not NOT following the rules ON PURPOSE.
I am no James Dean.
No siree.
I un-follow the rules by accident.

Oh you want me to write about your hemorrhoid cream in a professional yet discreet manner?
Yeah, I will talk about the time I couldn't sit down for a month with my post pregnancy 'roids.
You would like me to gently tell my readers about this cool disco show for kids in the city?
Umm, I will suggest you find a bar when you get there oh and by the way, my butt sweats when I dance.
Someone like me gives PR people the night sweats.

So when Netflix sent me two pictures of cats from Instagram, I felt like they finally had a finger on the pulse that is me.
Hamilton the Hipster Cat.
A cat with an Instagram account who is hipper than I shall ever try to be and he has a "mustache".
Oh and wears hats.
And KimchiKitty.
Another cat with a hat on......seriously what is up with cats and hats??
I have a deep dark secret- I love animals dressed up as humans.
Dogs with sweaters on in the winter make me squeal with glee.
Cats in rubber boots will make me giggle to the point of tears.

Yes, Netflix found my Achilles heel.
And they will find yours too this month if you like all things animal and dress up related.
Or just animals.
Rubber boots optional.

courtesy of Netflix

Like Puss in Boots or Milo and Otis.
Honestly, if you don't like a movie like Milo and Otis, you have no soul.
THEY CROSS THE COUNTRY TOGETHER, A CAT AND A DOG FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.
I mean if a dog and a cat can go on a road trip together, why can't my children get along in the car on the way to the Target.
Did I say that out loud?
Oopsies.


courtesy of Netflix


Monkey Trouble is one of Ellie's favorite movies about animals right now.
When it's not Air Bud.
Oh wait, that's mine.
IT'S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL, PEOPLE.

Okay fine, for you refined animal type movie/television show watchers out there,  there is always Marcel the monkey from Friends!
Or Baxter from Anchorman!

"Baxter! You know I don't speak Spanish!"
"Baxter, bark twice if you're in Milwaukee."
"And you ate a whole wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad. That's amazing."

WHAT???

Anyhoo, go get your crazy monkey, cat wearing a hat, dogs eating cheese freak on this month on Netflix.
Hamilton is waiting.

source



I am a member of the Netflix Stream Team. Meaning, for the next year, once a month I will be writing posts about how my family is using our Netflix. They provided me with a Roku and a voucher for my Netflix account.

MEOW WOOF WOOF



 

1.13.2015

How to Take a Head Shot Without Regretting it the Next Morning.








I don't take a good picture.
I talked about it here in detail so this will surprise no one who reads here with regularity or those who follow me on my personal Facebook.
The only good pictures of me are those in which I took the picture myself or orchestrated the edit.
Meaning I said, LET ME SEE THAT and told the taker of said picture to take another one, delete the old one or just blow the camera to itty bitty pieces.

I am not photogenic and never have been.
When I got married two different times, my biggest fear was not tripping on my veil, getting my period on my wedding day or whether or not the minister would show up.
It was the simple fact that I had to get my picture taken.
Lots of pictures taken of mainly me, was my biggest nerve wrack on those two days of my life.
I may have even sarcastically mumbled, "I just can't wait to weed through picture after picture of  me with my eyes closed, my triple chin, my crooked smile. Yay me. Pass the bourbon."

So when I started writing a blog in 2010, I didn't even think about pictures because, see, WRITING.
It was after a few months of having the obligatory Blogger logo in where my picture should be, that I realized I should probably pop something in there.
I wrote a post about how little I know about blogging a few years ago here and shared how little I also knew about creating a good profile picture.

I used a picture of myself pregnant as my first ever profile picture.......



I look high. And not off of those good pregnancy hormones either.


.......two solid years after having the baby.
I don't even know what to say.
The world's first view of me as a blogger was eight months pregnant at my cousin's wedding looking stoned.
I've even used a picture of my husband's amazing chocolate chip cookies as a profile picture in 2011 to get out of showing "you", "me".
I WISH I WERE LYING TO YOU.

I was an amateur, yes, but I went to extremes to not take a picture of myself.
I know how I look in every day life and I am happy with that.
If you would have run into me on the street in 2010, you wouldn't even have known who I was because at the time, I was two years removed from a pregnancy and wasn't smoking a joint.
I figured I needed people to know exactly who they were reading.
Not some constantly pregnant lady who likes bold prints and ganja.

But I refused to have a professional take my picture because that's like hiring a calligrapher to write your personal diary.
Plus I didn't want it to look so much like a head shot, or impersonal because my blog is about being really real.
So I decided to take it into my own hands.
First, having my husband take my pictures for two separate profile pictures then turning to myself to do it because asking him to take 589 pictures was a little much.






Yes, it takes me that many pictures to find one good one.
It's the least I can do for myself and for you.
It's a public service, trust me.

This is all you will need to take your own head shot for your blog, your resume, business card or even for yourself because you are one sexy beast and it should be documented.


Your favorite camera


I use my seven year old digital camera to take my profile pictures.
I have used my iPhone camera as well as my big girl camera.
But it's really hard to take a selfie with a big girl camera.
And it takes a lot more work to get the pictures from my iPhone via email to Picasa.....one by one instead of uploaded all together than it does from my good old digital camera, "Joyce".
I've named my digital camera "Joyce" because she is so very underrated.
Much like one Joyce DeWitt of "Three's Company" fame.




courtesy of en.wikipedia.org


Reliable, always there for you, you can always, ALWAYS count on Joyce.
Well, Janet.
But Joyce in real life and my camera just feels more like a Joyce than a Janet.
Anyway, Joyce's character was always shadowed by Suzanne Somer's character.
Just like my "Joyce" is always shadowed by the slutty iPhone.
WHAT?



the buffalo check behind Ellie is my favorite blanket hung on the refrigerator in my kitchen.

 A backdrop


This could be a cool blanket you love draped over your refrigerator (did this for our Christmas card pictures, see above) or a cool front door you painted two years ago.
I use my green door because I love that damn thing.
I want to be buried with that door.
Slap me on that door and save the money on a pine box.
So I shall be photographed by my green door as long as the green door is in my life.
I also get great light in the front of my house where the green door resides, that is key to taking a great head shot.


or wear a colorful green necklace to match the backdrop. I LOVE GREEN OKAY.


You


Wearing clothing or not, its up to you although your blog might get blocked but let me know how that goes for you.
I usually choose dark or neutral colors because my backdrop is a bright green door.
I don't want to outshine that beautiful door.
But pick something you love to wear or something that if you ran into a reader/friend/pastor at the supermarket that it would be realistic for you to be wearing.
IE- maybe not the time to wear the fur stole or the feather boa.
Unless you rock that every day and to that I say, you are the sh@#.
And I want to be friends with you.
By the way,  I totally want to bring back the Glamour Shots of the late 80's and early 90s'.
Maybe this is the year to do it........



Below was my first "real" head shot that I took with the help of Joyce:




I picked this apart too...my hair looks fuzzy, I have lines under my eyes......but out of the 600 I took, this was one of three that I liked.
This was before I became best buds with Pic Monkey, though!
Now you can be your own professional photographer/editor with tools like red eye reducer, teeth whitener and even a nip and tuck feature to shave off the triple chin!
I haven't done that yet because if I did, you wouldn't even recognize me.

In fact, here is the same picture after doing some fun editing:



I have always wanted a purple streak in my hair so with this tool I can!
And so can you!
Pic Monkey will be your best friend in the editing process.
But before you get to the editing, you need to shoot some pictures.
Here are some tips:

 

- shoot the picture early mid day


Not early in the morning or late in the afternoon.
This works out well if you are taking the picture in front of your door because no one is home in my neighborhood around that time.
There is nothing more embarrassing than trying to explain why you are taking 600 selfies in front of your bright green door at 11 in the morning.
Except to have to explain it to the FedEx guy.
True story.


Yes I have stood on a coffee table to get a better shot. You'd do it too if you looked like Al Capone in pictures.

- take the picture on a bright day


Cloudy days are okay if you have to but the best days are when the sun is out but not clear blue skies.
This is why I usually take my pictures in the fall because we don't see sun much here from November until January.
Then we see it for like two weeks straight but I am coming off the ThanksChristmas food binge and don't feel so much smiley for the birdie at that point.
So I wait until fall so the bloat is off and the summer glow is still kinda there.

 

- take a gazillion pictures and don't keep looking at the camera while taking them


Meaning, check them out some 500 pictures later.
Change your position, look up, down to the side, smile, frown, make goofy faces.
One of them will turn out good, I swear.
I heard once, a long time ago, that before you smile for a picture, you should move your face all around to get the muscles loosened up.
That never worked for me but you give it a try and see how that goes.



The above picture was taken when I was trying to show a friend I had pink eye back in 2012/13.
And I immediately thought OMG I LOOK KIND OF CUTE AND WHIMSICAL IN THIS PICTURE.
So I used it for my blog, Twitter, Pinterest and Facebook profile picture for like, a year.
Then my friends were like, "seriously we get it, you had pink eye, it's creeping us out" and I took it down.
My idea of artsy creative and others are totally different.
If you don't care what others think GOOD FOR YOU!!!
If you are me however, ask your personal friends and family to be the sounding board.
But don't get offended when they say, "what are you looking at?" or "ummm why are you staring at my cat in the corner of the room".

So go out there and take your own picture!
Don't be afraid, I know you can do it!
Or come over to my house and I will take your picture in front of my green door.
I am sure I have some feather boa's around here somewhere......that sounded a lot worse than it did in my head.



 

1.05.2015

I Was 14 Once Too

Contrary to popular opinion I used to be 14.
Popular opinion = my 14 year old daughter. 
Very, very, VERY long ago, I too had angst, constant attitude (sorry mom and dad) and fresh cramps.
Serious fresh cramps.
Hence the constant attitude....duh. 
So I get it.
Except when I don't.
It's too bad we don't have our kids when we are, well, kids.
In the worst teenage pregnancy dissuasion conversation ever, the point I am trying to make here is this: have your children as soon as you can AFTER getting your schooling/career choice/marriage taken care of.
Don't wait.
Because the older you get, the more distance you put between your teen years and your child's.
It is getting harder and harder to relate to the feelings, the pain, the pressure that I once undoubtedly felt from 1982-1988.
I have become what we all fear.
A parent.



Annie, I know it is hard to believe but at one point in time, I had mad crushes on boys.
Calling their house only to hear their dad pick up the phone then quickly slam the phone down.
Slam a phone down is probably a foreign term for you.....quickly and fiercely press the end call button really, really hard.
Oh what I would have given for Snapchat, Instagram and Facebook back in 1984.
I feel I would have made much more informed choices in my love interests had I been able to "friend" them and see the faces they make in the bathroom mirror or when they flex muscles in a Kelvin filter.


Yes, I have been "there".
Not exactly "there" but theoretically "there".
I see some similarities.
You don't have to struggle with acne.
You are welcome.
You have amazing friends.
So did I. 
You love music and know all the names of all the artists that are popular.
Like, freakishly know all the names.
I am tha master.
Which I learned from tha grand master, my dad, your papa. 




Would you have talked to me in high school?
Or would you have passed me in the hall, smiling brightly but never getting to know me?
Would we have been in the same classes?
Would we order the same things at lunch?




At 14, I loved to ski, loved to stay at home on winter weeknights and snuggle with my dog.
I was really good at playing the clarinet, had lots of hobbies and tons of friends but I felt like I blended in at school.

In a crowd of people, it was easy for me to just get lost.
Go unnoticed.
I still feel like that. 
Do you ever feel that way?

Blending in. Even in a student council picture.


At 14, I was always trying to make people laugh even at the expense of looking like a goofball.
Making jokes about the school pizza looking like brains....it totally did.
Sneaking up behind friends in the hall and scaring them.
Ruining the French Club school picture with my friend Jenny......


We never got in trouble for this. Probably because I blended in.


At 14, I wore earrings the size of bagels, button up shirts and penny loafers.
Sweaters with unicorns or kitty cats bouncing purple balls IT WAS THE 80's EVERYONE WAS WEARING THEM.
Corduroy pants, jeans with lots of pockets, feathered hair.
I am sure my parents cheered when feathered hair went away because haircut every four weeks.
You know, to keep the feathers laying just so.
Kind of the way we are counting the days until short shorts go away.



...or wear them all at once. Penny loafers? Check. White socks? Check. Unicorn sweater? Check. I look like the Caucasian Michael Jackson .

I also wore a sweatshirt from the Cleveland Home and Garden show a lot my freshman year.
I don't know why but for some reason I loved this sweatshirt and it wasn't even a really cool sweatshirt.
In fact, looking back I can't recall it being any different than most sweatshirts I owned.
It was one day, while sitting in band that I had an A HA moment.
An "umm. I wear this sweatshirt a lot" moment.
A "people are going to start thinking I don't wash it" moment.
I wonder if you think about these things.
Do you talk to yourself about your clothing choices? 



Spending New Years Eve putting party hats on dogs. 

When I was 14, I was still very close to my parents.
I didn't go to band camp this year because I was too afraid to leave home for an entire week.
AN ENTIRE WEEK?!?! 
I also didn't go on the French class trip to Quebec for this very same reason.
I can hear you sighing really, really loudly at this.
And apparently, I also liked to dress up my dog as witnessed above.
But it was New Years Eve!
Me spending New Years Eve my freshman year dressing up the dog is probably one of the many reasons I was spending New Years Eve with my dog in the first place.



Wendy and I on the last day of eighth grade. We didn't have graduation, just shaving cream.


I had amazing friends who I could belch, fart and be a weirdo with, exactly like the friends I have today.
They didn't judge me, accepted me the way I was and helped to form the person I have become..
My childhood best friend Wendy's infectious laugh is part of the reason I love to make people laugh to this day.
She lived five houses down the street from me and we were inseparable until graduation tore us apart.
You had bumps in the road but you have amazing friendships that have developed since starting high school, some from elementary school and you have your own "Wendy" who lives just across the street.








Talking about how the pizza crust looks like brains. IT DID.



I wore musk perfume, had stellar big bangs and always wore blue eye shadow.
I danced and sweated for hours to "I Feel For You" by Chaka Khan in my room behind locked doors.
I was desperately in love with many different boys but didn't have a single boyfriend.
Probably because I was very busy perfecting my Chaka Khan moves and the whole dog dressing up scenario.
I made mix tapes from songs on the radio on rainy summer days.
I roller skated through the neighborhood with my friends while listening to the "Footloose" soundtrack on a boom box.
I played basketball for countless hours in the driveway with my dad, sometimes even in the dark. 













Really, aside from the doggy party hats and unicorn sweaters, we aren't that different, you and I. 
Oh sure, there are generational differences but monumentally, for as much as things change they also stay the same. 
There is no doubt that it has been challenging, these teenage years so far.
Personally, I feel this time around is so much harder.
Going through it on the other side of things as a parent.
There have been lots of tears, yelling and many a sleepless night.
And that has been on my end.
It has been quite an education....speak only when spoken to while around your friends, don't hug you when we are in public, don't wear anything embarrassing to school functions.
Its been hard, I am not gonna lie.

I know someday I will get you back.
I hold onto the promise of a day where I can grab your hand in public and just pull you in close.
Not worrying about who is watching.
But for now, I will steal sideways glances.
Gazing at this amazing creature that I had a hand in bringing into this world.
Remembering that I was 14 once too.
And I turned out pretty OK.


 

12.29.2014

What I Don't Know For Sure

All over blog land people are writing about end of the year-ish things.
Wishing their readers Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Kwanzaa!
Sharing with their faithful followers their stats, which posts sucked the least, how many readers they gained from the Czech Republic in 2014.
I used to do that, used to blog about which posts you loved the most, where most of my readers are coming from.
It is fun to look back and reminisce.....for ME.
But I have a feeling a post like that is boring for YOU.
So I won't be composing something like that this year.

I am not Oprah, as the title implies.

I know some of you are completely shocked by this.
I am sorry to disappoint you but apparently, I don't know anything for sure.

I thought I had a good read on you, my beautiful readers.
I thought I knew what you liked to read, look at, see here.
I don't and that makes me feel an emotion between sad and puzzled.
When I publish a post that I am so excited about, I can't wait to wake up and hit PUBLISH.............yes I do it the old fashioned way, I don't schedule it.........that post usually farts out like a balloon lets go of air.
But a post that I feel just eh about?
35 comments, 25 likes on Facebook, emails from readers and as much as I love that feedback, I am puzzled.
Because I didn't put my "all" into it and you loved it.

Oh yes, I also go off of my "analytics" to see what you like.
I HATE that word, by the way.
Sounds like such a scientific and laboratory name for numbers of people who read my blog.
But those numbers aren't just numbers to me, they represent you.
You taking the time to read me here.
They represent the aunt you told to read my blog. 
They represent my mom, who reads me regularly and texts me, "great post!" or my sister in law Kristy, who religiously comments on my Facebook shares.
My friend Rebecca who texts me when I don't publish a post on a Monday, worrying about how I am feeling.
My friend Shannon who is almost always, without fail, the first person to comment on my posts.
My long time blog reader Antonia who sends me pins on Pinterest that she knows will make me laugh.
My friend Jen who, along with her friends, shares my posts on Twitter without me ever asking. Weekly.

There are many, many more of you amazing people who read here, comment here, share my blog on Facebook, Twitter etc ( Terrie, Rochelle, Sherri, Leigh Anne and Alison just to name a few) and for that I am so grateful.
I don't do this for the numbers, I am not getting paid to write to you here on my blog, I do it because I love you.
I have this deep love affair with you that keeps me sane, lets me get emotions out, and makes me a much better person that I was even four years ago.
I will try and get a better grasp of what you love to read here but I want your help.
I want your input.
What exactly is it that you want to read?
And don't tell me, " I love you just the way you are" what specifically do you want to hear?

I don't want to ever become so full of myself that I forget why I come here each week and write these love notes to you.
I don't want you to ever stop bringing me flowers.
I love being wooe'd.
Please don't stop wooing.


Instead of a year end in review post, I would like to write you a thank you note instead.
I appreciate the people who read my blog.
I wouldn't write a blog if I didn't have people reading it.
Because then it would be called a diary.
I am heading into my fifth year of blogging in 2015.
Wow, five years.
I have gained so much since sitting down at my then basement office during my two year old's nap that lazy June day.

I have gained friends, lots of friends.
Friends I have never met, friends I have met and regained, friends I have met through blogging who have saved my life.
Literally saved my life.
I have gained cool new experiences since blogging.
Conferences, working for major companies, sky diving, going to cool light shows.
Two words, FREE CRAP.
It's been amazing.


I am a different person than I was in 2010.
I would say a better person.
I don't think that comes from blogging alone, probably aging as well.
But blogging has brought me a confidence I didn't possess five years ago.
I don't care about the little things as much as I did back then.
I like me a lot more than I did a few years ago.
The clouds are lifting in my life and I feel writing is a huge prescription for this change. 



I have to admit, I have been in a bit of a writers slump lately.
I have lots of posts sitting in the inbox as I type this but a slow computer and the holidays have gotten me a little back logged as of late.
I write not only for the blog here but for two outside websites now, something I am excited about but also at times, if I am being honest, am a tad bit overwhelmed by.
I don't want to ignore this blog because it is this little place where my love for writing began.
If I feel like I am ignoring you or my blog, I will stop writing for the other places because I am not built like a corporation.
I love to write, that is it.
I don't ever want it to become a chore which some day's it does start to feel that way.
I hate that.

 I love all of you for opening the link to this page for the past five years.
Thank you so much for hanging in there for the ugly posts, the ones that weren't that great because you knew I was in a slump.
Thank you for sending me messages about websites or products I like because you know I would love it.
Thank you for emailing me after reading a post that touched you.
Thank you for following me on my social media channels and liking statuses, re- tweeting links, pinning recipes.
It means so very much to me.

You were there during darkness when I was sad, you were there when good things happened and I couldn't wait to share it with you.
You were there for lots and lots of baaaad DIY projects and you didn't point and laugh.
You have given me advice about where to grocery shop, what type of leggings I should buy and what the best items are at Aldi and Trader Joe's.
When I write to you, I think of all of you. 
And I cherish every single one of you.

See you in 2015.


12.19.2014

Netflix Is Making Me Watch Madagascar and A Giveaway!




No they aren't.
I just couldn't think of a better title.
But no, I have never seen Madagasar.
When they announced this new series on Netflix called All Hail King Julien, I was all....ohkayyy.
Crickets.


Those who know me well know that I don't follow movie/television show/ music trends.
I like what I like.
Not what is the newest/latest/trendiest.
I started appreciating Snoop Dog in 2003 people.
I am aware.

So I decided, I need to get on the King Julien band wagon because I don't like being left out in the cold.
That is until the holidays hit.
I got a case of the holidays, people.
I can't focus.
I don't have time to watch my favorite shows, I haven't seen an episode of Scandal in almost four weeks.
FOUR WEEKS.

Between driving all over God's green Earth for cheer practices, games and competitions; having to make "mandatory" gingerbread cookies with the six year old because "every friend in my class is"; trying to keep up with the laundry situation, trying NOT to gain ten more pounds to bring me back up to where I was last year- I. GOT. NOTHING.

We have only watched one Christmas movie so far.
I don't honestly know what has happened to me.
Well, I do know but I am not going into it amid a Netflix post.

Today, All Hail King Julien begins airing on Netflix so join in me in putting down the molasses, putting away the car keys and fabric softener and propping our feet up to watch.
I might even pop some corn.
LET'S NOT GET CRAZY, NOW.

Netflix is going to be my BFF over Christmas Break because I plan to use that time to watch all the Christmas shows, like Love Actually (MY ALL TIME FAVE), Madagascar (because HELLO), Christmas With The Kranks (my teenager's favorite movie) and get caught up on Scandal....after the little one goes to bed, of course.

Netflix is going to be your BFF too because they have generously given me the opportunity to share a year of Netflix with one of you lucky people out there!


I want you to write why you want a year of Netflix.
I would love for this to go to someone who wouldn't do this for themselves because its just one more thing to pay for.
So tell me what you would watch, why you would love to have it, share it all with me in a comment below.
I will draw names out of a hat on Christmas Eve in front of my family (we are all honest folk) and I will announce the winner on my blog Facebook page!

That means you need to follow me on Facebook to be a winner, so go to the sidebar up there ^^^ and press like!
That is it!
I can't wait to hear what you write and I can't wait to give one of you an early Christmas gift!!
I honestly wish I had 1000 of these to give away....maybe next year, Netflix?
Good luck!

A special thanks goes out to Netflix for generously providing this.
I love to play Santa, so thank you for letting me do this for one of my amazing readers.




I am a member of the Netflix Stream Team. Meaning, for the next year, once a month I will be writing posts about how my family is using our Netflix. They provided me with a Roku and a voucher for my Netflix account.


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