10 Reasons Why I Will Never Be Featured on Huffington Post

When I started this blog, I had no idea what Huffington Post was.
Was it even in existence in 2010?
See?
This is why no one asks me for advice when it comes to blogging.

This is what I have learned: apparently being featured on Huffington Post (HuffPo for short) is a good thing for your “numbers”.
Apparently “numbers” are good for your blog.
Apparently your blog is supposed to “generate income”.
At least that’s what I have heard.
I wouldn’t know anything about that.

1- I am not so good at making “10 Reasons” lists.

I love me a list.
I do.
More than anything.
It’s why I write this way on the blog.
Lists are fun, easy to read and get s#%$ done.
But I am terrible at creating 10 REASONS YOU WILL NEVER GET A SPOTTED DOG.
I am noticing a trend at Huffington Post.
13 REASONS YOU WONT EVER FIND A MATE WITH THE FIRST NAME OF BETTY.
Lists are HUGE.
5 WAYS TO ENJOY CHOCOLATE AFTER HAVING A VASECTOMY.
This generation loves a good list.
15 WAYS TO END A RELATIONSHIP ON THE FOURTH OF JULY.
I am down with what they are throwing.
But I am not good at the whole Buzzfeed inspired list-y thing.
20 FAST FOOD ITEMS I DON’T GIVE A CRAP HAVE CHEMICALS IN THEM. I WILL EAT THEM ANYWAY. STOP BEING A BUZZ KILL.

Maybe I should be the title writer for the lists.

 

2- I am afraid of mean people. Especially the grumpy old troll. Who lives under the bridge.

When you get published on “Huff Po”, BUTT TONS of people will read your piece.
When BUTT TONS of people read your piece, mean people swoop in.
Some people call them trolls.
They “troll” the Internet looking to rain on a parade, poop on a head, pee on your sandwich.
For the fun of being mean.
I don’t know about you but I don’t like mean people.
In fact, I hear so many bloggers say “I must have made it into the big time! I got my first troll!”
NO.
NO NO NO NO NO NO.
I do not want to make it big.
I do not want a troll.

Never would I be excited to have a troll.
I am too sensitive to be a blogger.
Maybe I need to go back to learning to needlepoint.

3- I am not controversial. Because of # 2.

I stray away from controversial subjects because I AM AFRAID OF MEAN PEOPLE.
NEXT.

 

4- I have no idea how to submit anything to Huff Po.

I have heard so many people talk about getting “in” at Huffington Post.
You need to know a cousin’s step mom who worked with your sister in law in college.
During the lean years.
When they ate ramen together in Union Hall.
DOES NO ONE REALIZE YOU DON’T GET PAID AT HUFFINGTON POST?
Yet, it’s like getting into Harvard to get a piece published
That is too much pressure.
But if you have lunch with the cousin’s stepmother’s sister in law, tell her to call meeeee. 

5- I am afraid of mean people. Refer back to #2.

6- I don’t use big words.

Like THUS or HAPPENSTANCE or SUPERMARKET.
I also don’t use correct punctuation, my sentences are either run on or the exact opposite of run on.
Which is like, what?
Run off?
I am the person who is yelling at my computer screen when spell check can’t find the word.
I am the person who has to occasionally run to Google to look up words that people use in regular conversation.
I didn’t know what hyperbole meant until last year.
OK until last month.
There is a blog with hyperbole in the title.
And I am a grown ass woman who doesn’t know what it means.
Proof that I can never run with the “big dogs” of blogging.
Sorry to call big bloggers “dogs”.
Sorry to call famous bloggers “big”.
OMG NEXT.

 

7- I don’t write about current events.

Partly because of # 2.
Mainly because of # 6.
Especially because of the whole hyperbole scandal.

 

8- My inner 10 year old boy is preventing me.

If I want to be taken seriously, I need to stop talking about balls.
Or poop.
Or tacos.
Or pooping because of excessive tacos.
Or writing about adventures the cardboard counterpart of myself is having.
But I don’t wanna stop doing that.
AND YOU CAN’T MAKE ME.

9- I don’t even have a # 9

I couldn’t even think of 10 things.
Hanging head in shame……
Refer to # 1.

 

10- It’s so confusing.

There are like, 10 Huffington Posts.
The original Huffington Post.
Huffington Post for Parents.
Huffington Post for people who like tacos.
I just made that one up.

It’s too confusing.
And then I get all sweaty and headachy.
Back to needlepoint.

So I am sure I won’t ever end up on the pages of the above but I bet if there was like a website dedicated to DIY bloggers who love tacos and don’t know the meaning of hyperbole?
I WOULD BE A ROCK STAR.

47 thoughts on “10 Reasons Why I Will Never Be Featured on Huffington Post

  1. Kari

    Worse than not being on Huffington Post is being on Huffington Post and no one read your article. This list is perfect. You and I are the same person. I also have a real aversion to mean (and creepy) people.

  2. Kari

    I've been published on HuffPost twice, but thankfully, there were no meanies in the comments.
    But since many of my friends then got published, wrote about fairly controversial topics, and got roasted in the comments, I got scared and never tried again. Because I can't deal with trolls, mean people hence I don't write controversial things and I don't use big words, plus I do run on sentences a lot.
    PS: I was never given the 'golden ticket' of 'blogger at HuffPost' where you can login and submit a post, I had to do mine the old-fashioned way, pitching! They just don't love me there.

  3. Kari

    I've been wary of Huffpo and other sites until I went to BlogHer this past week. I learned if I want to "do" anything with my writing, I have to find an audience, even if there are mean people or folks who just don't "get" me.
    I just submitted 3 pieces to HuffPo. So, full disclosure.
    Also, I admire you for being so close to your core principles of writing for yourself. – Lance

  4. Kari

    This was the best thing I've read in a long time. I'm with you on all of these – (and for # 9 I'd include "I might be a little lazy") but pretty much the trolls are enough to keep me away.

    Plus, I am very busy eating tacos most days.
    Duh.

  5. Kari

    LANCE BURSON COMMENTED ON MY BLOG!
    Ok I know I am getting annoying.
    Thank you for your words, I have been struggling with "do I write what I always write?" or "do I write what I think others want to hear".
    Thank you for making me feel right in my decision.

    🙂

  6. Kari

    I love meeting other taco eating people.
    The fact that you said that this was the best thing you read in a long time makes you my BFF.
    Thanks for the support!!

  7. Kari

    Dude. Who needs HuffPo when they have you? Although I would totally write for HuffPo People Who Love Tacos.
    Honestly, I wanted to get on there because I knew it would give me an audience that my little ol' blog would never see. I don't think I got any page views from it, and of course I certainly didn't get paid. But I do follow the mindset that sometimes doing those little free things could result in something else down the road. Iss all about connections, baby!

  8. Kari

    I totally think you are a rock star. In fact, I like you soo much I will forgive you for getting that damn Dora song stuck in my head…you poopy fart ball!

  9. Kari

    I really need to start using "butt tons" more often to quantify things. Also, Butt Tons of Tacos would be a great name for a blog. Or a band. I love everything in this post, but you know I'm especially down with the 10-year-old poop/fart/balls talk.

  10. Kari

    OMG….love this lost…I am so with you on most of them..proper punctuation…big problem with me…I need to use the term Butt Tons, more…It make me smile! Hang in there girl…you can hang with us "ankle bitter blogs" as long as you want!

  11. Kari

    Loved this! I have been on Huff two handfuls of times and have seen no difference to my audience whatsoever. That said, I'm always buried on a page somewhere. Also, as more and more content gets piled on there with so many writers (all working for free), I'm not sure it's the big "honor" it once was in the earlier days. You clear have a kickass supportive readership already. Stick to whatever you're doing!

  12. Kari

    Late to the party, I am beyond thrilled that I found this post. Except for the fact that I almost spit out my coffee laughing at your "lists". Hilarious. And, also, true. Love this.

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