Kari’s Terrible No Good Very Bad Day; Why I Won’t Be Starting a Resume Writing Service

It started with a bad day.
It always does, doesn’t it?
I woke up a little late, greeted a friend at the front door in a white tee shirt with no bra, visible nipple and bed head.
Not sure which was more mortifying.
It was humid.
Like HU mid.
I got my period after breakfast.
Fruit loops.
That I told myself I shouldn’t really eat.
But it was in those little multi-pack boxes so you reason, well it is diet sized.

 

mini cereal is diet sized

I almost got hit by a car as it was speeding out of a parking space.
There was no good music on the radio.
Then I tried to place a 13 dollar order for Scholastic books online.
And my credit card wouldn’t go through.
Because, as I would soon find out, TWO of our credit/debit cards were hacked.
Because TARGET.
Then Adele came on the iPod, singing about how life is so unfair.

Adele

You know, a typical Adele song.
And I lost it.
I put my head down on the keyboard of my computer and sobbed.
After ten minutes, I pulled myself together and Googled PART TIME JOBS BLOGGING.
Apparently, I felt I needed to get a job because of all of the above.
Including my period.

After some investigative searching, I found two jobs and applied to them without a second thought.
One was for a freelance writing position.
The pay sucked but the job sounded amazing because I love to write and feel like it is the only thing I am qualified to do any more.
The other was a retail stocking position for a major department store.
The hours are very early morning, weekdays.
The pay is good, it is perfect in every way except that it isn’t what my heart would want.
But it would bring money in and I do have 14 years of retail experience.
That ended in 2002.

I hit the submit button for the writing job at 12:25.
I got the rejection email at 2:15.

Unfortunately, we are unable to bring you aboard at this time. We base
our criteria for acceptance on a variety of factors, including, but not
limited to, quality of writing and knowledge of topic.

Yes it says quality of writing.


For the application, I submitted some of my “work”.
From my blog.
So they were responding to my writing.
The writing I was so proud of, that I even told a friend ” I think I will get the job”.
I was cocky.
I got this.
I didn’t “got this”.
I wanted to leave the world’s most public break up letter to the company on every form of social media known to man.
I didn’t.

 

Twitter

So it started with a bad day, the grumbling, the rumbles.
Of my insecurities.
Why am I still doing this?
I have said for years, I am paying my dues, earning the right to become a decent, respected writer or blogger.
Someone who will get paid for this gig.
Because as much as I love what I do, I wish I were getting paid.

I have people (outside of the blogging world) ask me all the time about how much money I make blogging.
None.
Oh, occasionally I would get paid ops here and there.
VERY here and there.
But nothing to make me say, I get “paid”.
I have tried, believe me, without trying to sell out.
I don’t want to sell you all out here.
I believe what you have to look at on this page, besides my words, is important and I just don’t want my blog to start looking like the blog equivalent of Times Square.

Times Square

And it is by now that I naively thought I would be making some money, when I started in 2010.
Nothing big.
Nothing to keep me in jewels or furs.
I don’t wear jewels or furs, by the way.
It’s an expression.
Just enough to pay for all the cheer leading fees and the OT visits.
Or so that we could finally save for college.
Or go on a vacation that involves a plane.
Or get the good mac and cheese.

 

Money comes in handy

By the way, 86 bucks for a weekly co pay to an OT.
Yep.
Because it falls under mental health.
WHY IS THIS COUNTRY SO MESSED UP?!?!
Because of stupid high deductibles.
That is why. 

This glaring reject letter/email is the first of many, I am afraid.
I knew they would come, I have delved myself into motherhood for too long I fear.
I am not relevant anymore.
I get it.
I tried not to let the rejection email get me down but it did.

I make a good impression in person.
NOT on paper.
Which is pretty hilarious considering that I write a blog.
If you read my resume, you would laugh.
Or giggle.
Titter for sure.
I know people who bulk up their resume and have not had a job in years.
Yet their resumes look amazing.
I need someone to do that for me.
Because mine is a who’s who of useless information.

For example, I wanted to apply for a job at my daughter’s elementary school.
It is a temporary position filling in for maternity leave.
Perfect.
Just a few months to get my feet in the pool, make some money and be close to my child so I don’t have to worry about transportation etc.
The computer application process wants to know the supervisor of my latest job.

My latest job was in 2007.
Do you think she is still there?
In fact, I have no idea what her name even was!
Kim!
Yes!
Kim!
Maybe I could just put THAT on the application.

Yes, her name was Kim something or other.
She was really nice, liked me a lot but she could stand to smile more.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am screwed.
Royally screwed.
I have an Associates Degree in quasi Education/Pre-Nursing/ Kickball.
I haven’t worked full time since 2000.
I haven’t worked part time since 2007.
I have no skills worth writing on a resume.
Yet I have been toiling at this blogging realm for four solid years.

I can help you design a blog.
Edit HTML in a pinch.
I am kick ass at editing a picture on Pic Monkey.
And I FINALLY learned how to take a screenshot.
Can I put that under certifications??

I'm experienced in Pic Monkey if that helps

I can write a piece about your business, corporation, doggy day care in less than a half hour and it will be funny without selling you or myself out.
I could write a mission statement that would make Jerry Maguire pick up the goldfish and come work for ME.
SCREW YOU BOB SUGAR.

I can also keep a house clean, get all the laundry for the week done in three days and have a casserole in the oven at the same time.
I can menu plan and coordinate meals, snacks and lunches for our entire family for two solid weeks in a matter of 15 minutes.
I schedule our families lives down to the minute with a calendar system that would make SOMEONE HIGHLY ORGANIZED piss their pants.
My kids are happy, well adjusted, smell good, and have clean clothes every day.
Can I write all THAT somewhere on a resume?

Yet I am irrelevant when you look at my life’s work on a piece of paper.
Such is the story for a lot of you out there, I am sure.
So I am at this crossroads.
I might look good in person, but on paper?
I am a hot, steaming mess.

So if you know of someone who is looking for a humor writing blogger who can wipe butts while checking on her smartphone how to defrost chicken in a crock pot?
Let them know I am their girl.
Just don’t give them my resume first.

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25 thoughts on “Kari’s Terrible No Good Very Bad Day; Why I Won’t Be Starting a Resume Writing Service

  1. Kari

    Aw, Kerri…my heart is breaking a little bit for you! Please try not to take their "quality of writing" comment personally…I think that was just a computer-generated response. But reading the rest of this post about not working outside the home in x-amount of years and your qualifications from being at home is exactly how I have felt! I got a PT job years ago through a friend, then was unemployed again for years, then got another PT office job through a friend (same friend, too!) and was there 6-1/2 years until I left two years ago. I'm now finally at the age where I don't give a rat's ass if I ever work again, though some extra $$ in this household would be nice. We live very simply – which is fine – but sometimes it'd be nice to actually go on a vacation, or heck, even a weekend getaway where we could actually afford to stay in a hotel. Anyhoo, Flat Kerri is enjoying being at my house…I think she's enjoying the peace and quiet and not having her period, though the cats can't quite figure her out. Cheers!

  2. Kari

    Amen, SIster! It has been 20 years since I worked for pay because I refused to outsource child-rearing . As a Navy wife, I resolved that having one parent around maintaining a stable home-life was much more important to my kids than a second paycheck. During those years, I acquired plenty of skills in a variety of fields–administrative, IT, logistics, education, real estate, even home and auto repair–but none of those translates into traditional resume points. If society ever hopes to address the so-called "Mommy Wars," it must design a path for smart, capable moms to re-enter the workforce, highlighting what they CAN do instead of what they have not done. Until then, the sad truth is that we only get there by means of luck, favors, or someone willing to take a chance on us.

  3. Kari

    Awww I am glad she is getting some rest.
    Her life is exhausting…..
    I am so glad to know that others understand what I am going through.
    Thank you for your words.

  4. Kari

    At least you tried. I occasionally look at jobs online and it just scares me and leaves me feeling hopeless and depressed.
    As for your writing skills? You are an amazing writer. Maybe not the style of writing they are looking for?
    Keep on writing!

  5. Kari

    You are awesome, and I think you should just send this post to prospective employers, because this here is some seriously funny, high quality writing. You are fabulously irreverent, but not at all irrelevant. Not at all.

  6. Kari

    I love your writing! Prove them wrong- keep applying for writing jobs and when you get a great job you can be like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and strut around waving your new bi-line saying "Big mistake! Huge!"

  7. Kari

    I so hear you! Our homemaking skills should feel more relevant since our homes would collapse without us.

    You were a quality writer before the rejection letter, and will continue to be after. We live almost opposite lives yet I've been reading your blog for 3 years, and not for your pictures (which our awesome too!). You're a writer because you say you are, you're a good writer because you write well, and you're a professional writer because you've been paid to write (no matter how little). Not getting paid as much as you should has nothing to do with quality. The greatest enemy to any artist is obscurity so the best solution is to keep going.

    Ok I'm off my soapbox now. What I'm trying to say is I like your writing 🙂

  8. Kari

    I felt the same despair, but met with a friend in HR who reassured me that we are marketable and not alone! Maybe you should send a hard copy resume in the mail, you know, with a certain flat someone…who can resist her? I dare them to try!!!!

  9. Kari

    You don't suck. You aren't an awful writer. You are amazing. You are doing the most valuable job out there, which is BEING PRESENT for your children. Anyone who doesn't see value in that and hires you to do whatever it is that you want is an #asshat (love you)

  10. Kari

    What you look like on paper has absolutely nothing to do with your legacy, love, and humor that touches so many. Plus, I once spelled my own name wrong on a resume. We're GOOD. <3

  11. Kari

    You are singing my song, girl.
    But look at it this way – you tried! And keep trying. What you have going for you is that you are confident enough in yourself to know what you're really good at, and you listed quite a lot of them.
    Not everyone can be great at all the things. Yet look at all the things you are great at.
    xo

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