14 Reasons Why I Cannot Blog While Awaiting the Crimson Tidal Wave

That means “premenstrual”.
But I didn’t want to write “premenstrual” in the title because that would bring readers I am not sure I want to attract.
Of course saying “premenstrual” three times in the first paragraph of this blog post is just the SEO I needed to create to bring the above readers in droves.
THIS IS WHY I CANNOT BLOG WHILE “PREMENSTRUAL”.
Oh the SEO humanity…….

Reasons Why I Cannot Blog While Premenstrual

1- I make graphics like this ^^^^^

2- I want to quit blogging.
Once a month, every frick frackin month.
Because I suck.
At life.
At blogging.
At creating a static free laundry situation.
My back and hips hurt when I walk, I feel like I have rocks in my bra, I have a dull headache, I just dropped my ice cream sandwich, I can’t form a sentence and I have stains on my shirt.
And it is all blogging’s fault.

Because if I was a good blogger, I could afford to do away with my period all together.
Because I would be rich enough to buy the good menstruation crap.
Did I mention I want to quit blogging?

3- I won’t ever submit anywhere other than my blog because I start sentences with AND.
The self doubt starts creeping in around the 25th of the month.
When the bloat and soul crushing hunger start.
And then it all goes downhill from there.
I write in small sentences for a reason.
Because I have a short attention span therefore sentences like this one I am writing now?
Yeah, I was outta there at attention.
I will read the crap out of a grocery list but a blog with paragraphs is hard for me to read.
Hence this writing style.
AND when you have this writing style, chances are you are gonna end up with some AND’S at the beginning of sentences.
Which is wrong.
And I don’t care.
Except once a month.

 

Work is hard

4- I want a job.
And I don’t.
Outside of the home, I should add.
Because I have lots of jobs inside my home. 

I wrote a post last month that went viral in my world.
And by viral, I mean two of my Facebook friends shared it.
I moaned and complained about not having a jobbbbbb, not feeling like I am worthyyyyyy, how I have devoted my life to my kidssssss.
I am sorry I dumped on all of you.
The Universe spoke: I got three interviews/job prospects.
They didn’t work out but I felt I needed to tell this to you because I whined in a blog post.
Going forward, if you hear me complaining about my self worth within ear shot of you?
Buy me a bag of peanut m and m’s.
Because it’s time for for me to fall off the roof.
Sail down the red river.
Aunt Flo is comin’ for a visit.
Wink wink.

Hearts and Flowers

5- I listen to weepy Keith Urban songs and light candles while I blog to create an “atmosphere”.
And that “atmosphere” turns out posts like I talked about in #4.

 

Pie. Mmmm pie.

6-  My fingers are bloated so I have to use spell check 25% more than I normally do.
Then it takes time to do so, so I have to eat peanut M and M’s.
To soften the blow.
Of the whole spell check scenario.
I just had to spell check “scenario”.
Did it again.
This could go on all day.

Peanut M and M's

7- Speaking of……

Two times a day.
Four times a day.
I may or may not have gone through an entire Costco size bag by myself.
During one premenstrual cycle.
PREmenstrual cycle.

Yay Pic Monkey!

8-  I am still on Pic Monkey.
WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
And yikes is an under used word.
And just like that, I started two sentences with the word AND.
The word you are looking for is TALENT.

 

Deep Thoughts by Kari Wagner Hoban

9- I become “introspective”.
And when I become “introspective” you get to read about things like my love for Bruce Hornsby or how I opened my front door with visible nipple.
Or why I don’t know what hyperbole means.
Or the post you are currently reading.
By the way, I didn’t actually open the door with my nipple.
If I did, now that would be talent.

 

Those Kardashians ruin it for everyone

10-  I start worrying that I will never get an agent for a book deal because I start sentences with AND.
Then I get all “WHATEVER” because the Kardashian’s have had like, 10 books.
“If they can get a book deal, then I don’t want a book deal, dammit”.
Then I am all, “how did they get famous anyway????”
Then I get all, “Oooooh, do I still have Keeping up with the Kardashian’s on my Netflix favorites??!!!!?”

 

Bonnie Hunt IS getting old

11- Because of #10, the movie deal that comes from the subsequent book deal won’t come in time for Bonnie Hunt to play me because we are aging at warp speed.
How does Kathleen Turner look these days?
No?
Damn.


Pic Monkey makes me pretty

12- MAYBE I DO NEED A JOB BECAUSE I START SENTENCES WITH THE WORD AND?!?!?!
And I have a Pic Monkey problem.

Grammar was never my forte. Or is that forey?

13- Did you know that Dairy Queen is open during the day?!
I do.
By the way, that picture up there has nothing to do with this.
This note sits by my mouse pad.
I have to tell myself this.
It doesn’t come natural.
You’re feeling a little like Dorothy when she unveils the “wizard”.
Aren’t you?
It’s OK.
Let’s go get a pumpkin pie blizzard.

 

Stupid companies wanting me to pimp them for free

14- I send email replies to companies that want me to pimp them out for free.
IN ALL CAPS.

DEAR CHEAPSKATE,

DO
YOU ASK YOUR EMPLOYEES TO “PLEASE TYPE UP THIS PRESS RELEASE BUT OH WAIT, YOU
WON’T GET PAID FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTES WHILE DOING SO BECAUSE YOUR NOT WORTH PAYING FOR.”

DO YOU?
WELL DO YOU????
ANSWER ME
DAMMIT!!!!!

LOVE,
KARI

I feel so much better now!
Whew.
So glad I have a blog.
What DO people who don’t blog do to let go of all that aggression and negativity?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.
“COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE BLIZZARD MACHINE, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WORK HERE!!!!”

.

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18 thoughts on “14 Reasons Why I Cannot Blog While Awaiting the Crimson Tidal Wave

  1. Kari

    At least now I have a better understanding of Flat Kari's post fashion show meltdown! (Yeah, Flat Kari and cape references apparently do not get old in my little world here) It also may explain her behavior at Five Guys…….I also might've peed my pants somewhere in the middle of reading this because you make me laugh!!! I am slightly disappointed that you don't have a pms pimple…just in case passersbys (or are they passerbys…or passersby) need some sort of system to help them determine whether or not to approach me!

  2. Kari

    I start sentences with end too. I also write things like, "But. But." BUTT. Bahahaha!
    I have only had 8 periods in 5 years, because of all the baby making and breastfeeding, and I do not miss the crimson tide. Because mine is usually a crime scene. Although postpartum, I did bleed enough for 6 periods. TMI?

  3. Kari

    A few things:
    I haven't gotten a period since I got an IUD. I highly recommend it.
    I start sentences with AND or BUT all the time. And a lot of SO.
    I was taught to follow your rule of title capitalization, but when I started writing actual articles online, I had to change to only capitalizing the first word of the title. Turns out I don't like either way, so on MY blog I CAPITALIZE NO WORDS IN THE TITLE.
    I love you.

  4. Kari

    Is this why I cannot blog lately?? Maybe I'm just premenstrual. All month. I start sentences with And and break pretty much every grammar rule because I can only do so much and it's a blog, not The New York Times. Now I want a blizzard.

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