My Resume Proves Why I Should Be Famous

Famous people usually start out humbly.
Stand on corners dressed as frankfurters or work as singing waiters.
Have bosses that threaten to kill them or get fired on their first day.
I then by default should be famous.My resume sucks.
For many reasons but mainly because I haven’t been “working” for the past 16 years outside of my home.
Oh sure, I have had the occasional part time gig here and there but for the most part, I have not worked for a W-2 since 2002, save for my most recent job this past holiday season.
It has made resume building a mutha for the past year or so as I am trying to dip back into the workforce slowly even as just a “work from home writer”.I even created my own resume this year on Pic Monkey and as ridiculous as that sounds, it does look pretty cool.
It reflects me: creative, funky, outside of the box and fun.
I am not a “suit” and never will be but it got me to thinking about resumes and thought my blog is truly the biggest resume I have.
One giant ass resume that the world can read, so wouldn’t it be fun to share my previous jobs with all of you?
I have nothing to hide from you except for my hidden under bite and the cellulite on my butt but I don’t expect I will be asked to share that come interview time.
Although a lot has changed since 2002 so I could be off on that.

Babysitting
Bennington Heights Neighborhood Association
Mansfield, Ohio
1982-1982

I hated babysitting with a passion.
It’s a wonder I have children of my own.
No, sometimes I do look around and wonder.
I adore my children and wanted them with all of my being but when I was a kid the last thing I wanted to do was watch kids younger than me.
I made sure to join every and all activities and clubs to avoid the whole I am too young to get a work permit scenario until I could apply for my first job.
French Club?
Yep!
Student Council?
SIGN ME UP!
4-H?
You betcha!

The two or three babysitting jobs I did get I can tell you were not pretty.
Little girl showing me her grandma’s fake booby in a drawer, my brother and his friends scaring the shit out of me by banging on the patio door at 10 at night, me forgetting to feed lunch to a little boy and me asking him continually WHY WON’T YOU STOP CRYING??
I wasn’t ever asked back.
YES I AM A GOOD MOM.

 

McDonald’s Restaurants
Fry Girl
McNugget Goddess
Shake Hot Mess
Mansfield Ohio
May 1987- May 1989

 

I started out as a Chicken McNugget basket girl then moved my way up to the Filet o’ Fish within a matter of days and then to the elusive french fries.
Within one week I was up front working register with the big dogs and the rest is history.
Well, not quite. 
I almost quit the first week after I spilled a large chocolate milkshake all over one of my bitchy female manager’s black Reebok’s on day four.
I was on the verge of putting my two weeks notice in when I worked my next shift with a cute boy who would later become my high school sweetheart.

 

Priorities.

Chiropractic Assistant
Won’t Give The Name Of The Chiropractor Because “Creepy”
Mundelein, Illinois
August 1, 1989- August 8, 1989

 

I didn’t stay more than a week because the doctor was quite creepy.
And there was a “smell”.
Probably because the doctor was quite “creepy”.

 

Crown Books
Assistant Manager
Lake Zurich, Illinois
August 1989- October 1989

My mom and I actually started at this job together, which looking back at this now is really pretty cool.
Except that my boss turned out to be one of Satan’s minions from Hell.
Kind of like Miranda Priestly.
Without the amazing accent. 
And we weren’t dressed half as nicely. 

The job was fun at first as the store wasn’t even open since it was brand spanking new.
We were busy setting it up, installing shelves, opening boxes of books and the like.
I remember one day walking to the local Dairy Queen for lunch and getting uber excited because it was the first time in my life I had ever eaten at a Brazier.

It doesn’t take much for me. 


We were sneaking smoke breaks at the backdoor of the store, Brazier-ing it up, and having great camaraderie with our store crew.
But it was as the store was getting closer and closer to opening that the evil side of my lower class Miranda Priestly started to appear.

My mom got another job closer to home and gave her two weeks notice, professionally told “Miranda” that she had to leave, which was well received by her.
It was as the store was opening to the public and things got less smoke breaky and Dairy Queeny and much more intense that I got the brunt of “Miranda’s” wrath.
Which usually included such things but not limited to: throwing boxes at some of the crew members heads, using the F word in reference to anyone who worked within a five mile radius of her and the store, being asked to go buy her cigarettes and pop and lunch. Then screaming at us when it was the incorrect cigarettes, pop and lunch.
Psst- it wasn’t the incorrect cigarettes, pop and lunch. 

It was when she called me a stupid idiot” in front of a customer and her little girl because I wasn’t able to figure out the credit card reader, the same credit card reader that “Miranda” was supposed to train me on no less that I had an epiphany; I needed to get out of there before she murdered me and made it look like an accident.
So I did what any mentally healthy person would do: I called in.
But when your boss says to you, “are you quitting because I am mean to you?”
Then you are probably mean.

Kohl’s Department Stores
Fitting Room Fraulein.
Underwear wrangler.
Cashier extraordinaire.
HEY THIS ISN’T A BARN PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF I QUIT!
Oooh are those free donuts in the break room??
Never mind, I love it here! 

Vernon Hills, Illinois
November 1989- February 2001

After leaving the Devil Reads Prada debacle, I decided to follow my mom yet again.
Only my mom wasn’t working here at the time and now that I am writing this….are you sensing a theme here?
I think my mom was avoiding me!!
She said she had an “accident” and “wasn’t able to work”.
Hmmmmm.
I kid, I kid.
Anyway, she said nice things about the store, so I went in to fill out an application got called for an interview and the rest, as they say, is history.
It was a smooth transition, actually.
I don’t really remember feeling out of place at all.
I fell in love with it immediately because no shakes to spill, no creepy smell and no Miranda.
It was a perfect fit for me at the time.
In fact, I was promoted within a few months of starting to a management position and ended up staying here for over 12 years.

Funny story, a few months after starting, I was working in the Misses Department one day with my friend Pam when “Miranda” walks in.
Well, Pam knew all about her of course because we were friends and we gabbed while we worked.
Plus that’s what you do when you have friends in retail.
Talk about past retail horror stories.

Even Pam was ducking in the racks hiding from her.
She was frightened of her and she never worked a day in her life with her.

 


Stay at Home Mom Raising young lives, molding futures, cleaning up copious amounts of bodily fluids.

March 2000- present



This is the best and most important job I have ever had but prospective bosses don’t give a crap about this experience.
NEXT.

 

 

Part- Time House Cleaner For Other People
January 2001- July 2005
Full- Time House Cleaner For My Family
Ongoing

For four years, I decided it would be “fun” to make extra money and take my neat freak-ism outside of my home and clean other human being’s houses for money.
I actually dipped my foot in the pool with the easiest home known to man: my friend’s mom’s neat freak home.
Her home never really needed to be cleaned, maybe just vacuumed a little to make some lines.
It was the easiest cleaning job known to man so I was definitely spoiled,
After cleaning for her for a solid year, I figured I was ready to take on meatier jobs.
Homes that had red carpet with two big white dogs who shed like a motherf&#$.

I HAD TO VACUUM THE CARPET TEN TIMES TO GET IT CLEAN.
I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.

Another client would stand in the doorway of her bathroom to make sure I was getting every single hair off of her floor, sink and bathtub.
I started wearing a Walkman and told her I didn’t have a very good command of the English language so I could pretend I couldn’t understand her.
It wasn’t my proudest human moment but you do what you have to do to not end up in prison.

One day I just broke and said, “silly question, but if you can clean it better than me, then why aren’t you cleaning it in the first place?”
I got fired the next day.
If you are seriously thinking of cleaning houses part time?
Re-think it.
There is a reason no one likes to clean their house.

 

Part- Time Post Partum Doula 

Say that ten times fast
July 2002-  June 2003
Highland Park, Illinois

 

Raising young lives, molding futures, cleaning up copious amounts of bodily fluids. Only this time I was getting paid.

I was offered this amazing job from a woman I went to church with when I was going through my divorce and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me this opportunity.
I made more money at this job than any I have ever had.
And I got to hold babies all day long.
I KNOW.
Much better than cleaning houses hands down.
The only reason I left was because I was going to college on a grant program and couldn’t legally work to be qualified and I really wanted to get my degree.
I still miss this job and “my” first baby is now 14 years old so that makes me sad and old all at once.
A Grace Full Life
Blogger, Writer, Content Creator
June 2010- Present
Chicago, Illinois

Filling the Blogosphere with Words for Five Plus Years and Counting.
Or Until the FCC Shuts Me Down.

 

I started putting my blog on my resume last year because I needed to be accountable for the past five years.
I have been busy dammit.
Writing is a thing, you know.
Swearing on the Internet, sharing cute cat videos on Google Plus, following “God’s” account on Twitter and re-tweeting some of his wittier retorts.
Man who knew “God” had such a sense of humor… which works out really well for me. 
I have been really busy people, getting the future set for my girls.
Yep.
Trying to get the empire ready for them when they grow up because ALL OF THIS will be theirs.
It takes a lot of work to groom this and keep it running.
You must feed it, nurture it, give it love.
Yep, just call me the Kris Jenner of doing nothing productive.
No, please don’t call me that.
Sorry, where were we?
Am I famous yet?
Yeah, thought not.
Should have put on a hot dog suit and walked the streets.
As a hot dog.
Not as anything else.