My Resume Proves Why I Should Be Famous

Famous people usually start out humbly.
Stand on corners dressed as frankfurters or work as singing waiters at a rock and roll joint.
Have bosses that threaten to kill them and make it look like an accident or get fired on their first day for drinking on the job.

I then by default should be famous.

For many reasons but mainly because I haven’t been “working” for the past 16 years outside of my home.
Oh sure, I have had the occasional part time gig here and there but for the most part, I have not worked for a W-2 since 2002, save for my most recent job this past holiday season at the Old Navy. (insert crying emoji)

So it has made resume building a mother for the past year or so as I am trying to dip my toes back into the workforce slowly even as just a “work from home writer”.
I even created my own resume this year on Pic Monkey and as ridiculous as that sounds, it does look kind of cool.
It reflects who I am: creative, funky, outside of the box and funny to look at.
But it got me to thinking about resumes and I realized that essentially, my blog is the biggest resume I have.
So wouldn’t it be fun to share my previous jobs with all of you?
I have nothing to hide from you except for my under bite and the cellulite on my butt but I don’t expect I will be asked to share that come interview time.
Are they asking that now?? 
Babysitting
Bennington Heights Neighborhood Association
Mansfield, Ohio
Summer 1982-Fall 1982

I hated babysitting with such a passion, that it’s a wonder I have children of my own.
I adore my children and wanted them with all of my being but when I was a teenager the last thing I wanted to do was watch kids younger than me.
I made sure to join every and all activities and clubs to avoid the whole I am too young to get a work permit scenario until I could apply for my first job that had nothing to do with wiping noses and butts.
French Club?
Yep!
Student Council?
SIGN ME UP!
4-H?
You betcha!

The two or three babysitting jobs I did get I can tell you were not pretty:
Little girl showing me her grandma’s fake booby in a drawer, my brother and his friends scaring the shit out of me by banging on the patio door at 10 at night, me forgetting to feed lunch to a little boy and me asking him continually WHY WON’T YOU STOP CRYING??
I wasn’t ever asked back.
Yes, I’m a good mom! Geez….

 

McDonald’s Restaurants
Cashier, Drive Thru, Lobby Cleanup
Mansfield Ohio
May 1987- May 1989

I should say that I started out as a Chicken McNugget basket girl then moved my way up to the Filet o’ Fish within a matter of days and then onto the elusive french fries.
Within one week I was up front working register with the big dogs, and taking fast paced orders at our always-busy location and the rest, as they say, is history.
Well, not quite. 
I did almost quit the first week after I spilled a large chocolate milkshake all over one of my bitchy female manager’s black Reebok’s on day four.
I was on the verge of putting my two weeks notice in when I came in to work my next shift but met a cute boy who would later become my high school sweetheart.

 

Priorities.

Chiropractic Assistant
Won’t Give The Name Of The Chiropractor Because “Creepy”
Mundelein, Illinois
August 1, 1989- August 8, 1989

I didn’t stay more than a week because the doctor was quite creepy and there was a “smell”.
Probably because the doctor was quite “creepy”.

 

Crown Books
Assistant Manager
Lake Zurich, Illinois
August 1989- October 1989

My mom and I actually started at this job together, which looking back now is really pretty rad.
Except that our boss turned out to be one of Satan’s minions from Hell.
Kind of like Miranda Priestly.
If she worked at an off-price bookstore. 

The job was fun at first as the store wasn’t even open since it was brand spanking new.
We were busy setting it up, installing shelves, opening boxes of books and the like.
I remember one day walking to the local Dairy Queen for lunch and getting overly excited because it was the first time in my life I had ever eaten at a Brazier.

It doesn’t take much for me. 

We were sneaking smoke breaks at the backdoor of the store, Brazier-ing it up, and having great camaraderie with our store crew.
But it was as the store was getting closer and closer to opening that the evil side of my lower class Miranda Priestly started to appear.
My mom found another job closer to home and put in her two weeks notice, professionally told “Miranda” that she had to leave,  and got the hell out of dodge, which was well received by our boss.
It was as the store was opening to the public and things got more stressful and more people kept quittng, that I got the brunt of “Miranda’s” wrath.

It was when she said ” what are you, stupid?” in front of a customer and her little girl because I wasn’t able to figure out the credit card reader that I had never been trained on, that I was done.
So I did what any mentally healthy person would do: I called in to quit.
Pro tip- when your boss says to you, “are you quitting because I am mean to you?”
Then yes you are indeed mean.

Kohl’s Department Stores
Department Manager
Vernon Hills, Illinois
November 1989- February 2001

After leaving the set of The Devil Reads Prada, I decided to follow my mom yet again.
Only my mom wasn’t working here at the time and now that I am writing this, are you sensing a theme here?
Anyway, she said nice things about the store, so I went in to fill out an application, got called for an interview and you know the drill.
It was a smooth transition, actually.
I don’t ever remember feeling out of place at all.
I fell in love with it immediately because no shakes to spill, no creepy smell and no Miranda.
It was a perfect fit for me at the time.
In fact, I was promoted within a few months of starting to a management position and ended up staying here for over 12 years.

A few months in, I was working in the Misses Department one day with my friend Pam when “Miranda” walks into the store.
Well, Pam knew all about her of course because we were friends and we gabbed while we worked.
Plus that’s what you do when you have friends in retail.
Talk about past retail horror stories.
Even Pam was ducking in the racks hiding from her.
She was frightened of her and she never worked a day in her life with her.


Stay at Home Mom
Raising young lives, molding futures, cleaning up copious amounts of bodily fluids.

This is the best and most important job I have ever had but prospective bosses don’t give a crap about this experience.

 

Part- Time House Cleaner (for other people)
January 2001- July 2005
Full- Time House Cleaner (for my family)
Ongoing

For four years, I decided it would be “fun” to make extra money and take my neat freak-ism outside of my home and clean other human being’s houses for money.
I actually dipped my foot in the pool with the easiest home known to man: my friend’s mom’s neat freak home.
Her home never really needed to be cleaned, maybe just vacuumed a little to make some lines.
It was the easiest cleaning job known to man so I was definitely spoiled,
After cleaning for her for a solid year, I figured I was ready to take on meatier jobs.
Homes that had red carpet with two big white dogs who shed like a motherf&#$.

I HAD TO VACUUM THE CARPET TEN TIMES TO GET IT CLEAN.
I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.

Another client would stand in the doorway of her bathroom to make sure I was getting every single hair off of her floor, sink and bathtub.
I started wearing a Walkman to the next visits and told her I didn’t have a very good command of the English language so I could pretend I didn’t understand her.
It wasn’t my proudest human moment but you do what you have to do to not end up in prison.

Part- Time Post Partum Doula
Say that ten times fast
July 2002-  June 2003
Highland Park, Illinois

 

Raising young lives, molding futures, cleaning up copious amounts of bodily fluids. Only this time I was getting paid.
I was offered this amazing job from a woman I went to church with when I was going through my divorce and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me this opportunity.
I made more money at this job than any I have ever had.
And I got to hold babies all day long.
I KNOW!
Much better than cleaning houses, hands down.
The only reason I left was because I was going to college on a grant program and couldn’t legally work to be qualified and I really wanted to get my degree.
I still miss this job and “my” first baby is now 14 years old so that makes me sad and old all at once.
 
A Grace Full Life
Blogger, Writer, Content Creator
June 2010- Present
Chicago, Illinois
I started putting my blog on my resume last year because I needed to be accountable for the past five years.
I have been busy dammit!
Writing is a thing, you know!
Swearing on the Internet, sharing cute cat videos on Google Plus, following “God’s” account on Twitter and re-tweeting some of his wittier retorts.
Man who knew “God” had such a sense of humor. Which works out really well for me. 
I have been  busy people!
Getting the future set for my girls.
Trying to get the empire ready for them when they grow up because ALL OF THIS will be theirs.
It takes a lot of work to groom this and keep it running.
You must feed it, nurture it, give it love.
Just call me the Kris Jenner of doing nothing productive.
No, please don’t call me that.
Sorry, where were we?
Am I famous yet?
I didn’t think so.
Should have put on a hot dog suit and walked the streets.
As a hot dog.
Not as anything else.

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