I Like Big Macs and I Cannot Lie

I like to eat.

Scratch that.
I love to eat.

Food tastes good.
And I get hungry. A lot.

But I’m pissed off at food currently because it is not playing fair.

When I was a teenager, I could eat whatever the hell I wanted.
Doritos by the bag, Pepsi by the gallon, an entire Reese’s Pieces Sundae at Friendly’s.

I didn’t have to exercise, count calories, allow myself “cheat days”, go to bed hungry.
All I had to do is just BE.
I had the gift of metabolism and youth on my side.
Now that I am in my late forties, I have the gift of menopause.
It’s not a gift, by the way.
More like the booby prize you win when you play a game at a birthday party and they have to give you something so you don’t feel like a failure.
So here I sit with my booby prize and look around the room and think, “this is the saddest frickin’ party I have ever been to. Pass the birthday cake”.
Only, there isn’t cake. There is only Weight Watcher 4 point black bean brownies that will make you fart incessantly over the next 12 hours.

BUT IT’S ALL GOOD BECAUSE IT’S ONLY FOUR POINTS, Y’ALL.

What. Has. Become. Of. Me.

look at that belly
That is what has become of me.
That picture up there is not of me six months pregnant with either of my girls.
It’s from August.

Of this year.

My moment of awakening came one muggy summer day when I couldn’t fit into my fat shorts.
Like, I had to heave all of my body fat upwards into my torso in order to close the zipper.
So then I said fuck it and put on a knit dress because there’s no waistband in a dress.

Then I reasoned that I would just wear yoga pants, leggings, or knit dresses for the rest of my life and even had a low moment in where I purchased a pair of maternity denim Capri’s.

I NEED YOU TO TALK TO FOOD FOR ME AND MAKE IT LIKE ME AGAIN.
I quietly started Weight Watchers a few months ago and in the beginning I was all gung-ho and counting points and being really good.
I lost eight pounds in the beginning and got excited.
Maybe not excited, but happy that I was still able to lose weight.
It is now 2017 and I can’t stop eating.
I am my own worst enemy because I really love things like chocolate, pizza, anything with cheese, bacon, potatoes and ground beef in it or around it.
But not mixed all together though because eww.
Eh, I’d probably eat that too.

Ooh! You know what tastes good together? Peanut butter M & M’s and coffee.
SOMEBODY STOP ME.

I even reasoned with myself last week that life is short and if my last day on Earth involved eating a Smart Ones Mostaccioli and no wine within a 48 hour period, it would not be a life worth living.

My best friend right now is my stretch yoga capri’s.

But I feel like I can tell my feelings to a Boston Creme donut better. Don’t tell my capri pants. 
I have no willpower, I have no shame, I have even convinced myself that “hey, 15 minutes on the treadmill is better than zero minutes on the treadmill!”

Send help.

But after I inhale five slices of pizza first.

12 thoughts on “I Like Big Macs and I Cannot Lie

  1. Marcia

    Girl…I hear ya! I will be 50 in 10 days. Weight, well, EXTRA weight, has been a problem for me for years..like half of my life. *sigh* I was doing pretty good last year but since October-ish, forget it. I blame stress. Personal life as a foster mom is beyond what I imagined stress wise…and the state of the USA right now…that weighs heavy on me…so I take care of these emotions with a slice of gooey cheese or delicious silky chocolate. I will look like Violet Beauregarde in full on blueberry before the next election. I need intervention too!

    1. Kari Post author

      You named it: stress. I am a big time stress eater.
      Maybe we need to start a program together to keep each other on track.
      Like slapping the pie out of our hands.

  2. Shannon

    My go to order at Friendly’s was a cheese quesadilla with a chocolate peanut butter milkshake (because they filled the glass and then left the silver canister with whatever didn’t fit with the glass) so I understand.
    I started this new year with a stomach virus from hell – like the worst I’ve ever had, so food and I are living in a time of discontent. I fell like I should build on that feeling to redirect my love of food towards healthier patterns, but typing that sentence above about cheese and milkshakes is rekindling an old fire that no stomach bug can match.

  3. jessie

    You are AWESOME for posting that photo. I love your honesty. Be fat and happy, I say. I’ve sat on both sides of the fence. Life was better fat and happy. 😌 the end.

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