Decorating,  Humor,  Life

I Hate Painting Furniture

I do. I really, REALLY do.

I have read my share of DIY blogs to know that everything that I crank out is sub-par at best.

In fact, one could argue that my once DIY blog no longer has anything to do with DIY.

That is unless DIY stood for Dammit! Ick! Yikes! which is exactly my reaction to anything I try to remedy on my own as it pertains to decor.

I am good at decorating. I am bad at painting. And for the sake of every piece of untouched furniture in my home, I need to turn in my paintbrush. Because it’s insulting to the furniture when the after looks worse than the before.

I have shared my furniture painting projects since around 2012, first when I painted a kitchen table, then the kitchen chairs we found along the road, also a record cabinet I’ve had since 8th grade,  and don’t forget the bachelor pad garage sale end tables,  a coffee table, and a desk.

Yes, I painted the desk four times. Are you new here??

But this is why I choose to put my family through the torture of ugly furniture: I am cheap AF. (That doesn’t stand for Also Free)

We are usually broke AF as well, so heading to the furniture store is never really an option, hence the painting projects.

So our nightstands were ugly.

Ugly AF.

The tops were almost worn down to the original “wood”.

I say “wood” because I honestly don’t even know what these are made of. This furniture was purchased by Mike for his den of sin bachelor pad back in 2003. He found a “furniture store” in the seedy part of town that was “going out of business”*.

*For four years.

The place was the retail version of buying something out of the back of a truck on the side of the road.

But it was a “good deal”, so he bought the entire bedroom set, including a sleigh bed that is no longer with us.

A moment of silence, please. 

I am great at staging pictures. Yes, that is laundry on top of the dresser Yes, I could have taken it off. I am also the one that leaves Monistat on the counter, remember?

I said to my husband, “I am going to paint those nightstands.”
To which he laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

HEY! It’s not that funny.

I mean how in the hell could I screw this up any worse than it already was??

If you have to ask that question, you shouldn’t be tackling a painting project, to begin with.

 

It looks good from afar. But get closer.

nightstand

A little closer.

The drawers were permanently damaged because when you buy furniture off of a truck, it isn’t supposed to last long enough for you to re-paint it.  So I had to yank the damn drawers out to paint them and because of said violent yanking, they are pissed off. So they refuse to go back in because they are making a point.

These stupid things have been back in our room for under two months and there is already a nick. Or two. Or three. WHATEVER.

I also didn’t pay $8.79 either. I want to know if Heaven is for Real but I don’t want to pay full price to find out.

That’s okay. I just use my books that I never read to cover them. I picked a “religious” offering because I think the ugly ass nightstand is possessed. I just used ass and religious in the same sentence. That has to be a record. DID I MENTION HOW MUCH I HATE PAINTING FURNITURE??

So I am planning on giving these nightstands away whenever we win the lottery and can afford to buy new ones. Because there is nothing like staring at your bad choices and regrets every night before laying your head on the pillow.

This must be how Melania Trump feels.

 

I love to write about my family, John Hughes, tacos and Bruce Hornsby. Not necessarily in that order.

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