Insanely, I wanna cry all day, pull the blinds closed, drink a bottle of wine and eat a tub of ice cream but can’t or DCFS will come to take the kids kind of sad.
Yes, they already lived far away but at least they were a doable 3-hour car ride away in central Illinois.
But now they will be an 11-hour car ride away in Tennessee.
Actually, with my kids and my husband’s erratic schedule, it will have to be a $1000, two-hour plane ride away.
Not sure why, really.
I think that if I actually blogged about it, it would actually happen.And it is happening now as they head down Illinois 57 to start their life in the South.
I am as insanely happy for them as I am insanely sad for myself.
I had a pity party for myself when I first found out in March and I have done pretty good with the news with the occasional breakdown here and there, like when they were here in May for one of Annie’s last soccer games they would be able to attend easily and I literally broke down, sobbing, hugging my mom and uttering “take me with you” mid-sob.
I am not making this up for dramatic effect.
This is the thing.
I am 42 years old and independent.
My husband calls me a “semi-single mom” because I raise two kids (three in the summer when I babysit my “third daughter“) all alone for the most part because of his hours.
I do a lot alone.
And I miss my mommy and daddy daily.
I have for the past seven years when they were transferred to central Illinois from Chicago and from the house they lived in that was literally two minutes from where I live now.
I drive by their old neighborhood daily and it still gives me a pain in my side when I do.
But the thing is, this whole time I knew they were still in the state I lived in so that gave me some sort of crazy comfort.
Now, they aren’t even in a state that borders my state.
And I am sad.
Very, very sad.
Sad that they will be missing even more life events of my kids than they do now.
Sad that I can’t just run over to my mom’s when I am having a bad day.
Sad that I don’t have people in my life daily who have a vested interest in my life and my kids live.
Just plain sad.
Yes, I know, I should be lucky to still have them with me on earth.
Yes, I know, they are moving to a lovely place and I should be happy that I will now have someplace fun to visit.
Yes, I know, I am glad that I have a great relationship with them and feel very blessed.
But now, I just wanna sit down and cry, OK?
And someday, I will appreciate those things.
But for now, I wish I could lay my head in my mama’s lap and cry.
Because even 42 years old’s still need their mommies.