Children,  Humor,  Motherhood,  Parenting

What to Expect When You Become a Mommy

When I was pregnant, I read a lot of material.
Books, magazines, pamphlets about what I should expect for the next nine months.
I shopped in the maternity section, I stocked up on folic acid, I bought sensible shoes.
But no one can really ever prepare you for being a mom.
So in honor of Mothers Day this Sunday, here are my observations of pregnancy and motherhood that I would put into a book.
That will be in the back of the bookstore.
On the 80% off bin.

– Don’t watch A Baby Story when you are pregnant.

– Don’t talk “shop” with your Labor and Delivery nurses. Using words like “station” or “bloody show” will just make them not really like you. And realize you watched way too much of the above.

– When at a play date, don’t start out any sentence with, “I make my own……”.

– If you had the easiest and fastest delivery in the record of deliveries, that should remain a secret. Only shared by those who were in that room on that day.

– You will be wearing your maternity clothes for longer AFTER you give birth.

– “You are blessed” is much different than “You are lucky”. Especially when referring to colic.

– Put a dry erase marker in your shower. Trust me.

– Pay extra for DVR.

– No one is going know if your child was breast or bottle fed when they are in college.

– Don’t be in such a rush for your child to start talking.

– Or walking.

– Sometimes its OK for your four year old to safely cut her entire coloring book into little pieces so you can get a 30 minute phone conversation with your mom.

– The shower will become your happy place.

– Buy stock in the following companies: baby wipes, Resolve, string cheese and Vaseline.

– Ice cream for dinner will make you mom of the year.

– Magic Eraser was God’s gift to moms and will also give you an another additional 30 minutes on the phone with your mom.

– Instead of saving for college, start a DisneyWorld savings account. Before you even find out you are pregnant.

– Those ballet classes and soccer programs are more for your sanity than for their “enrichment”.

– Brownies and Us Weekly will become the equivalent of dinner and a movie.

– Play dates are proof that Satan wants us to be unhappy.

– Yelling their full name does work.

– Mothers Day is the one day of the year that they will ALL want to be with you. And you will want to be anywhere but with THEM.

Happy Mothers Day to all of you and to my mom, I love you so much.
Thank you for keeping me alive.
And letting me color on the walls.
And teaching me how to be a Mom.
Miss you.

I love to write about my family, John Hughes, tacos and Bruce Hornsby. Not necessarily in that order.


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