But I didn’t want to write “premenstrual” in the title because that would bring readers I am not sure I want to attract.
Of course, saying “premenstrual” three times in the first paragraph of this blog post is just the SEO I needed to create to bring the above readers in droves.
THIS IS WHY I CANNOT BLOG WHILE “PREMENSTRUAL”.
Oh, the SEO humanity…….
Reasons Why I Cannot Blog While Premenstrual
1- I make graphics like this ^^^^^
2- I want to quit blogging.
Once a month, every frick frackin month.
Because I suck.
At creating a static free laundry situation.
My back and hips hurt when I walk, I feel like I have rocks in my bra, I have a dull headache, I just dropped my ice cream sandwich, I can’t form a sentence and I have stains on my shirt.
And it is all blogging’s fault.
Because if I was a good blogger, I could afford to do away with my period altogether.
Because I would be rich enough to buy the good menstruation crap.
Did I mention I want to quit blogging?
3- I won’t ever submit anywhere other than my blog because I start sentences with AND.
The self-doubt starts creeping in around the 25th of the month.
When the bloat and soul-crushing hunger start.
And then it all goes downhill from there.
I write in small sentences for a reason.
Because I have a short attention span, therefore, sentences like this one I am writing now?
Yeah, I was outta there at attention.
I will read the crap out of a grocery list but a blog with paragraphs is hard for me to read.
Hence this writing style.
AND when you have this writing style, chances are you are gonna end up with some AND’S at the beginning of sentences.
Which is wrong.
And I don’t care.
Except once a month.
4- I want a job.
And I don’t.
Outside of the home, I should add.
Because I have lots of jobs inside my home.
I wrote a post last month that went viral in my world.
And by viral, I mean two of my Facebook friends shared it.
I moaned and complained about not having a jobbbbbb, not feeling like I am worthyyyyyy, how I have devoted my life to my kidssssss.
I am sorry I dumped on all of you.
The Universe spoke: I got three interviews/job prospects.
They didn’t work out but I felt I needed to tell this to you because I whined in a blog post.
Going forward, if you hear me complaining about my self-worth within earshot of you?
Buy me a bag of peanut m and m’s.
Because it’s time for me to fall off the roof.
Sail down the red river.
Aunt Flo is comin’ for a visit.
5- I listen to weepy Keith Urban songs and light candles while I blog to create an “atmosphere”.
And that “atmosphere” turns out posts like I talked about in #4.
6- My fingers are bloated so I have to use spell check 25% more than I normally do.
Then it takes time to do so, so I have to eat peanut M and M’s.
To soften the blow.
Of the whole spell check scenario.
I just had to spell check “scenario”.
Did it again.
This could go on all day.
7- Speaking of……
Two times a day.
Four times a day.
I may or may not have gone through an entire Costco size bag by myself.
During one premenstrual cycle.
8- I am still on Pic Monkey.
WHAT IN THE FRESH HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
And yikes is an underused word.
And just like that, I started two sentences with the word AND.
The word you are looking for is TALENT.
9- I become “introspective”.
And when I become “introspective” you get to read about things like my love for Bruce Hornsby or how I opened my front door with visible nipple.
Or why I don’t know what hyperbole means.
Or the post you are currently reading.
By the way, I didn’t actually open the door with my nipple.
If I did, now that would be talent.
10- I start worrying that I will never get an agent for a book deal because I start sentences with AND.
Then I get all “WHATEVER” because the Kardashian’s have had like, 10 books.
“If they can get a book deal, then I don’t want a book deal, dammit”.
Then I am all, “how did they get famous anyway????”
Then I get all, “Oooooh, do I still have Keeping up with the Kardashian’s on my Netflix favorites??!!!!?”
11- Because of #10, the movie deal that comes from the subsequent book deal won’t come in time for Bonnie Hunt to play me because we are aging at warp speed.
How does Kathleen Turner look these days?
12- MAYBE I DO NEED A JOB BECAUSE I START SENTENCES WITH THE WORD AND?!?!?!
And I have a Pic Monkey problem.
13- Did you know that Dairy Queen is open during the day?!
By the way, that picture up there has nothing to do with this.
This note sits by my mouse pad.
I have to tell myself this.
It doesn’t come naturally.
You’re feeling a little like Dorothy when she unveils the “wizard”.
Let’s go get a pumpkin pie blizzard.
14- I send email replies to companies that want me to pimp them out for free.
IN ALL CAPS.
YOU ASK YOUR EMPLOYEES TO “PLEASE TYPE UP THIS PRESS RELEASE BUT OH WAIT, YOU
WON’T GET PAID FOR THE NEXT TEN MINUTES WHILE DOING SO BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT WORTH PAYING FOR.”
WELL DO YOU????
I feel so much better now!
So glad I have a blog.
What DO people who don’t blog do to let go of all that aggression and negativity?
I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you.
“COULD YOU TURN DOWN THE BLIZZARD MACHINE, PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WORK HERE!!!!”