Did You Know There Are 34 Menopause Symptoms?

 

I have gone through menopause for the past ten years.

Just kidding, it’s only been like two.

It just feels like ten.

Because the symptoms of menopause are SUCKING MY SOUL RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY.

I’m sorry, did that slip out?

According to the website 34 Menopause Symptoms Dot Com (yes, it’s a real website. I think), there are indeed 34.

So they decided to create a website to inform others that just when you think you have enough things to worry about in your life as a woman, you also get 34 gifts at the end of your period.

Kind of like a hormonal Hanukkah.

Being a woman is a glorious thing.

Instead of bitching and moaning, I decided to have fun with the list.

In honor of my generation going through the change, I paired 80’s songs with each symptom.

Aren’t you glad you know me?

menopause, 80s

1- Hot Flashes: It’s hot. Like all the fu#$ing time. I could be in the freezer section of the Aldi and still be so hot that I feel like I am on the back-end of a flu bug.  Flashdance- What a Feeling by Irene Cara

2- Night Sweats: “Did you take a shower before bed? No. Why?”  I Melt with You by Modern English OR Beds are Burning by Midnight Oil  (who knew the 80’s would be so prophetic?)

3- Irregular Periods: I get my period every two weeks. If you do the math, that means I have been in perpetual PMS for the past two years.   Who Can it Be Now? by Men at Work  OR  Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper

4- Loss of libido:  Originally I wondered if this was a problem. But since listening to women my age and younger talk about how often they are having sex, it made me realize we good. We REAL good.  With or Without You by U2.   (THINK REALLY HARD)

5- Vaginal dryness: I cannot attest to this but I am sure it’s no fun walking around naked and sounding like you are wearing corduroy pants.  High and Dry by Def Leppard OR Walk Like an Egyptian by The Bangles  (depending on your level of dryness)

6- Mood swings: Since I can’t take hormones because of my raging menopause migraines, I am a mess. Like a steaming mess. One day, I am running through a field of daisies proclaiming how much I love my life; the next day, I am Rambo carrying a GUN OF SOME SORT through the jungle ready to kill innocent bunnies. (I’ve never watched Rambo)   Eye of the Tiger by Survivor

7- Fatigue: That’s code for I AM SO FU@$ING TIRED.   All Night Long by Lionel Richie

8- Hair loss or thinning: Again, don’t have that but something to look forward to.   Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson 

9- Sleep disorders:  I am sleeping like I have a newborn baby. Up every two-three hours, most likely because of my flu-like hot flashes.   No Sleep til’ Brooklyn by The Beastie Boys

10- Difficulty concentrating: What were we talking about?   I Keep Forgetting by Michael McDonald

11- Memory lapses: No. For real. WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT??   Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds

12- Dizziness: I had vertigo all summer and blamed it on Utah. There went that theory.   You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive

13- Weight gain: I look like my chin ate my face.   Hungry Like the Wolf by Duran Duran

14- Incontinence: Put me in the nursing home already and call me leaky.   The Rain by Oran “Juice” Jones

15- Bloating: Did I mention I also have fibroids on my uterus? BEING A WOMAN IS SUCH A JOY.   I’m Coming Out by Diana Ross

16- Allergies: I am taking Zyrtec. All year long.   Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen

17- Brittle nails: I don’t ever pay attention to my nails so I have no clue.   Push It by Salt and Pepa (as in cuticles, duh)

18- WE ARE ONLY AT 18?? Changes in body odor: Just. No. And ick.   Nasty by Janet Jackson

19- Irregular heartbeat: Ended me up in the hospital over last Christmas break.  “IT’S FINE, JUST A LADY GOING THROUGH THE LIFE CHANGE. NOTHING TO SEE HERE, ORDERLY.”   Heartbeat by Don Johnson 

20- Depression: WE ARE ONLY AT NUMBER 20 AND I HAVE ALL BUT TWO OF THE SYMPTOMS. YOU WOULD BE DEPRESSED TOO.   Shout by Tears for Fears

21- Anxiety- See # 19. Also, I think all of my problems could be solved with weed.  Pass the Dutchie by Musical Youth

22- Irritability- I am not tolerant of overly joyous people. Oh wait, I was like this before menopause.   The Homecoming Queen’s Got a Gun by Julie Brown

23- Panic disorder- Well, I didn’t think I had this but now I am in a panic thinking I might.   Somebody’s Watching Me by Rockwell

24- Breast pain-  I don’t have this but I am keeping my fingers crossed.   Tenderness by General Public

25- Headaches: Have I mentioned I have headaches?   King of Pain by The Police 

26- Joint pain- I am going through menopause, not getting an AARP card. Oh shit, that’s in two years.   Do You Really Want to Hurt Me by Culture Club

27- Burning tongue: I don’t have this but I wish I did.   Chariots of Fire by The Vangelis

28- Electric shock sensation: WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL.   Electric Avenue by Eddy Grant 

29- Digestive problems: If I had this problem, I wouldn’t have to worry about # 13.   Solid (As a Rock) by Ashford and Simpson 

30- Gum problems: I actually had a gum infection a few years ago that I had treated with gum therapy which is not at ALL as fun as it sounds.   Maneater by Hall and Oates 

31- Muscle tension- I have had tense muscles since the lines turned pink so.   Pulling Mussels (From a Shell) by Squeeze

32- Itchy, crawly skin- My head is itchy. Dry skin everywhere, I feel like I need to douse myself in Vaseline or take a flea dip.   Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon 

33-Tingling extremities- Am I dying? Or just losing my monthly gift?   Broken Wings by Mister Mister 

34- Osteoporosis- SUPER.    Things Can Only Get Better by Howard Jones

 

Really, it’s not that bad. Really. Welcome to the Jungle.

And because I have a finger on the pulse of my readers, enjoy this playlist of all of the above songs.

 

Are you going through the change? Let’s commiserate in the comment section. 

This post contains Amazon affiliate links because starving artist going through menopause.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “Did You Know There Are 34 Menopause Symptoms?

  1. Jessie

    Yep. Yep. YEP.

    I HATE it. Unfortunately I wear hippie head bands for a reason this past year. #8. And because of# 32 & 16 I can no longer eat popcorn.

    And I miss sleep. Like really, really miss sleep. And my hair. 😭

  2. Rita

    So, I’ve technically been menopausal since I was 40, when all the equipment came out. I’ve been on HRT since then, and actually mostly confused about what constitutes menopause. Last time in I asked my doctor when that would be happening for me or how it would work which is when I learned: 1) I’ve been in menopause for 12 years; and 2) It’s not something you go through and then it ends–those body changes are just kinda how it is, forever; and 3) she’s not so sure it’s about changing hormones as just simple aging (because I’m having more than a few of those lovelies on your list, even though my hormone levels haven’t changed). Oh, and 4: Just in case it is hormonal and won’t ever end, I don’t ever want to go off them. Ever.

    Yeah, it’s great being a girl. And this post made me laugh, (especially #4) so thank you. 🙂
    Rita recently posted…True StoryMy Profile

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