PLEASE tell me you’re invested at this point. You could even lie to me. I don’t care.
Okay I do care. I just want to know that all this work is worth it.
Plus, I REALLY want to know what happens next.
I totally know.
If you’re new, here is a link to last week’s excerpt and you can figure out the rest from there.
Keep in mind that this is light-hearted, not The English Patient. More like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. I am not trying to win an Academy Award with this screenplay. It is simply to make a movie I personally would like to see in the theater.
Also, thanks to whoever keeps sharing my screenplay on Pinterest. So far it has been shared over 300 times!! I have no idea what that means!! But it’s exciting nonetheless!!
Scene Four- “Molliscum Contagiosum”
The plane eventually lands at LAX and Katherine, Valerie and Regina make their way to the rental car counter to reach their meeting with Judd Nelson’s agent in Hollywood. They see a sweet older woman with a sweet voice at the Avis Rent-A-Car counter. I see Edie McClurg in this role, so that will be her name because we are making dreams come true here. For me.
Katherine (to Edie McClurg)- Hello, I need to rent an extra large van please.
Edie McClurg- Will a minivan work for you?
Katherine- Not really. I need to hold lots of human bodies in the van.
Valerie (giving Katherine the evil eye)- ORRRR really big Egyptian rugs.
Edie McClurg- Alrighty, just give me a moment and let me see what I can find for you.
Regina (to Katherine)- I feel like we should buy the optional insurance. You know, just in case. (winks)
Katherine- Just in case what?
Valerie- One of those brat packers tries anything funny.
Katherine- They’re all old now so I don’t think that will be a problem.
Edie McClurg- Are you girls on the lam?
Edie McClurg gives Katherine a wide-eyed look
Katherine- Sorry, too much Red Bull on the plane.
Edie McClurg- I promise, I won’t say a word. I watch a lot of Dateline ya know. Maybe I could…..
Valerie- ….you look familiar. Do I know you?
Regina- OH I KNOW! You were in the movie Beaches! No wait! LA LAW!
Edie McClurg- Well actually…
Katherine- Matlock! That’s where we know you from! Didn’t you play Andy Griffith’s lover?
Valerie- Man, you must be really old.
Edie McClurg gives Valerie a dirty look.
Regina- Ma’am, I don’t mean to rush you but we have an “appointment” (uses air quotes) in like 30 minutes.
Edie McClurg- Ooh! An “appointment” (uses air quotes)! Where are you three “headed” (uses air quotes again)?
Katherine, Valerie and Regina look in three different directions and answer at the same time:
LA BREA TAR PITS!
IN AND OUT BURGER!
JOHN DENVER’S GRAVE!
The three women head out of LAX driving a white Ford Transit 15 passenger van. They eventually pull into the parking lot of the Best Western Hotel in Hollywood Hills as they are there to meet Sherman Mertz, Judd Nelson’s agent from 1985, who is waiting for them in the hotel coffee shop.
Katherine (to Sherman)- I cannot thank you enough for meeting with us, Mr. Mertz. These are my good friends Regina and Valerie.
Sherman- Eh, what do I care? I’m old and have nothing to look forward to. I figured, why the hell not meet three hot younger women at a hotel.
Valerie- Listen geezer……
Katherine- …..what Valerie meant to say (giving Val a dirty look) is that we were really hoping you could connect us with one of your former clients!
Sherman- That depends. Who?
Katherine- Judd Nelson.
Sherman- Never heard of him.
Katherine- It said on IMDB that you worked for him from 1981 until the late eighties!
Regina- AND an industry insider gave Kate your name as Judd’s agent.
Sherman- I don’t ever remember working with a Justin Nicholson.
Valerie- Great find, Kate.
Katherine- No, it’s Judd Nelson. JUDD NELSON.
Sherman- Wait. That name does sound a little familiar. Wasn’t he in The Princess Bride? I love that damn movie.
Katherine- I don’t think so?
Valerie- He’s just wasting our time so he can have perverted sex with us.
Regina- Yeah, let’s go, Kate.
Sherman- NO! Wait! I do know who you are talking about. He’s the guy with a rash!
Sherman- Brown hair? Recluse? Shitty attitude?
Regina- Do you know where we can find him?
Sherman- Does he owe you money too?
Katherine- Let’s just say we need him for a little project we are working on.
Regina- So where can we find him?
Sherman- No clue. However, I do know which drugstore he frequents.
Valerie- Because of the rash?
Sherman- IT WAS TERRIBLE. In my day, he had to treat it at least five times a day! I bet you didn’t read THAT on that IBDMD!
Sherman- Yeah, that too.
Valerie- Don’t you think he might be over that rash by now?
Sherman- Highly doubtful. The only thing I can do for you is give you the location of the CVS he goes to.
Katherine- I guess we could try that. It’s better than nothing.
Sherman- You know what else is better than nothing, a threesome with a dying man.
Valerie- I have a rash too, you freak.
Regina, Valerie and Katherine get back into the van and head to the CVS that Stanley gave them the address to in suburban Los Angeles. After arriving, they sit in the dark parking lot figuring out their next move.
Valerie- What kind of rash do you think Judd Nelson has that hasn’t gone away in 30 years? .
Katherine- We need to concentrate on the task at hand. Not on Judd Nelson’s 30-year rash.
Valerie- That must be one seriously nasty fucking rash.
Regina- Molliscum Contagiosum!
Valerie- Excuse you?
Regina- Molliscum Contagiosum! It’s the name of Judd Nelson’s 30 year rash. I googled it.
Valerie and Katherine give Regina a disgusted look
Regina- There’s even pictures…..
Katherine- You are destroying one of my teenage heartthrobs one rash picture at a time.
After 45 minutes, a black Toyota Prius pulls into the back of the parking lot. Out gets a man in a long trench coat, floppy hat, and biker boots. He scurries into the CVS.
Valerie- Do you think that’s him?
Regina- All I know is if I was Judd Nelson, I wouldn’t be driving a Prius.
Regina- Because why drive a Prius if you’re Judd Fucking Nelson?
Valerie- Because Judd Fucking Nelson hasn’t worked since John Fucking Hughes.
They get out of the van and walk towards the CVS
Katherine- That’s not true at all! Judd has been working a lot since his John Hughes days! He had roles in New Jack City and Suddenly Susan. I think I even saw him in a Hallmark Movie a few years ago. And according to IMBD, quote “critics have not been overly kind to this misunderstood actor” end quote.
Valerie and Regina stare at Katherine
Valerie- You have a lock of his hair in your nightstand, don’t you?
Katherine- What? NO! I just did a little research on him before I left for the trip.
Regina- She totally has hair.
They see who they believe to be Judd Nelson at the pharmacy counter and duck down next to a bin of DVD’s. Ironically, there is a New Jack City DVD in the bin, and Regina holds it up and shows Katherine.
Regina (teasingly)- Kate! Your boyfriend!
They see the man leave the store, so they follow him out to the parking lot and get into their van. They begin to follow the Prius out of the parking lot and through the streets of suburban Los Angeles.
Valerie- Have we even considered the fact that this might not even be Judd Nelson?
Katherine- What makes you say that?
Valerie- Just because a guy who looks like he might possibly be Judd Nelson pulls into a parking lot of a drugstore that Judd might possibly go to because of a alleged nasty rash, doesn’t a Judd Nelson make.
Regina- Right? He might not even have a rash.
Valerie- Oh there’s no doubt he has a rash.
Regina- What if that degenerate wasn’t even his agent to begin with?
Valerie- Yeah Kate, who was the “insider” who gave you his name?
Katherine- Isn’t this exhilarating girls?? We are on the lam! Just like the actress from Matlock said!
Regina- Who gave you the name, Kate?
Katherine- Heather Toobles.
Regina- Heather Toobles, Heather Toobles…..
Valerie- ….that weird chick who dressed up her guinea pigs in high school?
Katherine- That was never proven true.
Regina- I believe she also alleged that Pee Wee Herman gave her herpes.
Katherine- I am sure she was lying, Probably.
Valerie- YOU THINK?
Regina- Wait! Her dad worked security on all those 80’s movies when we were in high school! Maybe that is how she met Sherman!
Katherine- That and Heather’s mom had a mid-life crisis one night stand with Sherman during the filming of Sixteen Candles.
The Prius pulls into the driveway of an unassuming suburban home on a tree-lined street. The women park their van across the street and with a bit of surveillance, realize that it is indeed Judd Nelson.
Help be my editors! Did you like this scene? What would you change? Let me know you’re still reading!
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