PLEASE tell me you’re invested at this point. You could even lie to me. I don’t care.
Okay, I do care. I just want to know that all this work is worth it.
Plus, I REALLY want to know what happens next.
I totally know.
If you’re new, here is a link to last week’s excerpt and you can figure out the rest from there.
Keep in mind that this is light-hearted, not The English Patient. More like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. I am not trying to win an Academy Award with this screenplay. It is simply to make a movie I personally would like to see in the theater.
Also, thanks to whoever keeps sharing my screenplay on Pinterest. So far it has been shared over 300 times!! I have no idea what that means!! But it’s exciting nonetheless!!
Scene Four- “Molliscum Contagiosum”
The plane eventually lands at LAX and Katherine, Valerie and Regina make their way to the rental car counter to reach their meeting with Judd Nelson’s agent in Hollywood. They see a sweet older woman with a sweet voice at the Avis Rent-A-Car counter. I see Edie McClurg in this role, so that will be her name because we are making dreams come true here. For me.
Katherine (to Edie McClurg) – Hi, I need to rent an extra-large van, please.
Edie McClurg (typing on her computer) – Okay, so like a minivan?
Katherine (to Edie McClurg) – No….I really think I am gonna need a large capacity van. I am planning on picking up lots of people while in Los Angeles!
Edie McClurg (looking at her computer and typing) – Alrighty, just give me a minute and let me see what I can find for you.
Regina (to Katherine) – I feel like we should buy the optional insurance. You know, just in case. (winks)
Katherine (to Regina) – Just in case what?
Valerie (interrupting to Katherine) – One of those brat pack people tries anything funny.
Edie McClurg (looks up from her computer suspiciously) – Are you girls on the lam? I promise I won’t say a word.
Valerie (to Edie) – You look familiar. Do I know you?
Katherine (to Edie) – OH I KNOW YOU! Weren’t you in Beaches? No! I know! You were in LA LAW!
Edie McClurg (to the girls) – No….
Regina (to Edie) – Matlock. Didn’t you play Andy Griffith’s wife?
Valerie (to Edie) – Man, you must be really old.
Edie McClurg gives Valerie a dirty look.
Regina (to Edie) – I don’t mean to rush you but we have an “appointment” (uses air quotes) in like 30 minutes.
Edie McClurg (to Regina) – Ooh! An “appointment” (uses air quotes)! Where are you three “headed” (uses air quotes again)?
Katherine, Valerie, and Regina look in three different directions, think for a few minutes, then all answer at the same time:
LA BREA TAR PITS!
IN AND OUT BURGER!
JOHN DENVER’S GRAVE!
A little while later, the three women head out of LAX driving a Ford Transit 15 passenger van. After driving through heavy LA traffic, they eventually pull into the parking lot of the Best Western Hotel in Hollywood Hills. They are there to meet Sherman Mertz, Judd Nelson’s agent from 1985, who is waiting for them in the hotel coffee shop.
Katherine (to Sherman) – I am so sorry we are late! I cannot thank you enough for meeting with us, Mr. Mertz.
Sherman (to Katherine) – Thought I was being stood up. Wouldn’t be the first time, ya know?
Katherine (to Sherman) – These are my friends Valerie and Regina. (Motioning to her friends)
Sherman (to Katherine) – Well, you know. I’m old, I’m lonely, and my dick is about to fall off so I have nothing to look forward to. I figured, why the hell not meet three hot younger women at a hotel.
Valerie (to Sherman) – You’re a pervert.
Katherine (to Sherman)- What Valerie meant to say (giving Val a dirty look) is that we were really hoping you could connect us with one of your former clients!
Sherman (to Katherine) – Maybe, who?
Katherine (to Sherman) – Judd Nelson.
Sherman (to Katherine) – Never heard of him.
Katherine (to Sherman) – But it said on IMDB that you had worked for him from 1981 until the late eighties!
Regina (to Sherman) – Yeah and an industry insider gave us your name as his agent.
Sherman (to Regina) – I don’t know any industry insiders.
Valerie (to Katherine) – Great find, Kate.
Sherman (thinking out loud, to the girls) – Wait. That name does sound a little familiar. Was he by chance in The Princess Bride?
Katherine (to Sherman) – I don’t think so?
Valerie (to Katherine) – He’s just wasting our time so he can have perverted sex with us.
Sherman (to the group) – NO! Wait! I do know who you are talking about. He’s the guy with a rash!
Katherine (to Sherman) – Ick.
Sherman (to Katherine) – Recluse? Brown hair? Shitty attitude?
Valerie (to Sherman) – Bingo.
Regina (to Sherman) – Do you know where we would find him?
Sherman (to Regina) – Why? Does he owe you money too?
Katherine (to Sherman) – Let’s just say we need him for a little project we’re embarking on.
Sherman (to Katherine) – I have no idea where he lives but I do know which drugstore he used to frequent.
Valerie (to Sherman) – Because of the rash?
Sherman (to Valerie) – IT WAS TERRIBLE. Probably why he stays out of the spotlight. In my day, he had to treat it at least five times a day! I bet you didn’t read THAT on that IBMD!
Regina (to Sherman) – IMDB.
Sherman (to no one) – Yeah, that too.
Valerie (to Sherman) – Don’t you think he might be over that rash by now?
Sherman (to Valerie) – Highly doubtful. I can give you the location of the drugstore he used to go to. I am sure you will run into him there.
Katherine (to the girls) – I guess we could try that. It’s better than nothing.
Sherman (to the girls) – You know what else is better than nothing, a threesome with a dying man.
Valerie (to Sherman) – I have a rash too, you pervert.
Regina, Valerie, and Katherine get back into the van and head to the drugstore that Stanley gave them the address to in suburban Los Angeles. After arriving, they sit in the dark parking lot figuring out their next move.
Valerie (to Katherine and Regina) – What kind of rash do you think Judd Nelson has that hasn’t gone away in 30 years? That must be one seriously nasty fucking rash.
Katherine (to Valerie) – We need to concentrate on the task at hand. Not on Judd Nelson’s 30-year rash.
Regina (to the Katherine and Valerie) – Molliscum Contagiosum!
Valerie (to Regina) – Excuse you?
Regina (to Valerie) – Molliscum Contagiosum! It’s the name of Judd Nelson’s 30-year rash. I googled it.
Valerie and Katherine give Regina a disgusted look
Regina (to Katherine and Regina) – There are even pictures…..
Katherine (to Regina) – You are destroying one of my teenage heartthrobs one rash picture at a time.
After 45 minutes, a black Toyota Prius pulls into the back of the parking lot. Out gets a man in a long trench coat, floppy hat, and biker boots. He scurries into the drugstore.
Valerie (to Katherine and Valerie) – Do you think that’s him?
Regina (to the girls) – All I know is if I was Judd Nelson, I wouldn’t be driving a Prius.
Katherine (to Regina) – Why?
Regina (to Katherine) – Because why drive a Prius if you’re Judd Fucking Nelson?
Valerie (to Regina) – Because Judd Fucking Nelson hasn’t worked since John Fucking Hughes.
They get out of the van and walk towards the drugstore
Katherine (to both of the girls) – That’s not true at all! He’s been working a lot since his John Hughes days! He had roles in New Jack City and Suddenly Susan. I think I even saw him in a Hallmark Movie a few years ago. And according to IMBD, quote “critics have not been overly kind to this misunderstood actor” end quote.
Valerie (to Katherine) – You have his hair inside your nightstand, don’t you?
Katherine (to Valerie) – What? NO! I just did a little research on him before I left for the trip.
Regina (looking at Valerie) – She has hair.
They see who they believe to be Judd Nelson at the pharmacy counter and duck down next to a bin of dvds. Ironically, there is a New Jack City DVD in the bin, and Regina holds it up and shows Katherine.
Regina (teasingly) – Kate! Your boyfriend!
Katherine (to Regina) – SHHH!
They see Judd Nelson leave the store, so they follow him out to the parking lot and get into their van. They begin to follow Judd’s Prius out of the parking lot and through the streets of suburban Los Angeles.
Valerie (to the girls) – Have we even considered the fact that this might not even be Judd Nelson?
Katherine (to Valerie) – What makes you say that?
Valerie (to Katherine)- Just because a guy who looks like he might possibly be Judd Nelson pulls into a parking lot of a drugstore that Judd might possibly go to because of a nasty rash, doesn’t a Judd Nelson make.
Regina (to both of the girls) – Right? He might not even have a rash.
Valerie (to Regina) – Oh I feel like that sick fucker might have a rash so that I am keeping in my story.
Regina (to Katherine) – What if that pervert wasn’t even his agent, to begin with?
Valerie (to Katherine) – Yeah Kate, who was the “insider” who gave you his name?
Katherine (out loud to no one in particular) – Isn’t this exhilarating girls? We are on the lam! Just like the actress from Matlock said!
Regina (to Katherine) – Who gave you the name, Kate?
Katherine (to Regina) – Heather O’Mannon.
Valerie (to Katherine) – That weird chick who dressed up her guinea pigs in high school?
Katherine (to Valerie) – That was never proven true.
Regina (to both of the girls) – Kate, she also said that the guy from Knight Rider gave her an STD.
Katherine (to Regina) – Well, I’m sure she was lying. Probably.
Valerie (to Katherine) – YOU THINK?
Regina (to Katherine and Valerie) – Wait! Didn’t Heather’s dad work security on all those 80’s movies when we were in high school?
Valerie (to Katherine) – Is that how she met Sherman?
Katherine (to both of the girls) – That and Heather’s mom had a mid-life crisis one night stand with Sherman during the filming of Sixteen Candles.
Help be my editors! Did you like this scene? What would you change? Let me know you’re still reading!