I was watching Home Alone the other day and it got me to thinking about this screenplay (how I connected the two shouldn’t surprise anyone), and made me wonder a few things:
-is it wrong to capitalize on John Hughes’ movies for my screenplay?
-is it stupid to base characters around real-life people?
-is it bad that I gave Judd Nelson a rash? He doesn’t have one in real life. I SWEAR.
-will I get sued by the Hughes family for using his name, his characters, his everything?
I don’t know how I feel about all of that yet. When I was writing this, I was in the beginning stages of menopause and migraines. This screenplay was a comfort for some weird reason. I started falling in love with the characters over a three-month period and didn’t want to stop. I guess you could say that this was a catharsis. Giving life to an idea that I deeply wanted. A John Hughes museum in Chicago.
Head here to read the last scene if you are catching up and thank you to everyone who continues to read and comment on my menopausal manuscript. I love all of you.
Scene Five- “He Can’t Be Trusted. He Doesn’t Even Have a Twitter Account”
*No Judd Nelson’s were harmed in the writing of this screenplay
The Prius pulls into the driveway of an unassuming suburban home on a tree-lined street. The women park their van across the street and with a bit of surveillance, realize that it is indeed Judd Nelson.
Valerie (to Katherine)- What are you gonna say to him?
Katherine- Me? Why me?
Valerie- I think you should open with how you have a lock of his hair in your nightstand.
Regina- Tell him you’re a big fan of Suddenly Susan. That should get his attention.
Katherine- You guys are making me nervous.
Valerie- Well? What are you waiting for? Go get your man. Make that museum a reality!
Regina- But don’t touch him. Because rash.
Katherine pauses, sighs then gets out of the van, walks up the sidewalk and rings the doorbell. Judd Nelson appears in the doorway holding a sandwich.
Katherine- Hi there, I’m ……
Judd- ……I’m not buying any of your crap.
Judd- I don’t like solicitors. Hence the sign on my door.
Katherine- Sorry. I, I uhhhh……I CAN’T READ.
Judd- I did not see that one coming.
Katherine- Actually, I need your help, Mr. Nelson.
Judd- You’re not here to kill me, are you?
Katherine- Oh! Not at all! Quite the contrary actually, heh heh. No, see my name is Katherine Hogan and I am from Chicago. Illinois?
Judd- I’ve heard of it.
Katherine- Of course you have! Heh, heh, well, see I wanted to um, know if um, you could, um. Well, I was wondering if you could um. See those two women in the van behind us?
Judd (half-heartedly waves at the girls and they wave back wildly in return)- They aren’t going to kill me, are they?
Katherine- No, see we came all the way from Chicago to see, um, well, what I really want to say is, that….
Judd- ….are you okay? You’re sweating.
Katherine- You remember John Hughes, right?
Katherine- Yes, well see, we need your help because we want to open a museum.
Katherine- What about?
Judd- What will the museum be about?
Katherine- John Hughes. Are you even listening?
Judd- It’s hard to pay attention with all of your sweating.
Katherine- Is it hot in here?
Judd- You’re outside.
Katherine- Oh. Yeah.
Judd- The museum?
Katherine- So the museum will be cool but we don’t actually have the cool stuff yet. But we will GET the cool stuff. And then it will be really cool. Eventually. I hope. This sounded so much better when I was practicing in the airplane bathroom…..
Judd- ….Katherine, was it?
Katherine- You can call me Kate.
Judd- Kate. Listen, I have a pepperoni sub, a can of Schlitz and a DVD of Girls Gone Wild waiting inside, so if you could kind of wrap this up?
Katherine- Oh yes! Sorry! So I need to kind of kidnap you.
Judd- Kind of kidnap?
Katherine- Really kidnap.
Judd- To go to?
Judd- To help with your museum?
Katherine- Wow, you are a lot smarter than I thought you would be!
Judd- It was really nice meeting you Kate Hogan from Chicago, have a safe trip home.
Katherine- But see, you’re an integral part of the plan. I can’t leave without you.
Judd- I wish I could help but beer, sub and slutty girls awaits.
Katherine- We’ll give you a gift shop discount!
Valerie yelling from the van “THAT WASN’T DISCUSSED!”
Judd- Yeah, that isn’t tempting.
Katherine- MY FRIENDS AND I ARE VERY, VERY SLUTTY.
Judd- Kate was it? Mind if I smoke?
They head towards the white van across the street to meet up with the other two women.
Katherine- Judd Nelson, these are my best friends Regina and Valerie.
Valerie- Uh, Kate? Could we have a moment?
Katherine- Not a good time Val…..
Judd- ……it’s fine, have a team meeting.
Judd takes a drag from his cigarette and walks to the front of the van.
Valerie- Are we SURE that’s Judd Nelson?
Katherine- Yeah, why?
Valerie- Because he looks like dog shit, Kate.
Regina- I do have to say, the years have not been kind to Judd Nelson. Kind of like the critics.
Katherine- Celebrities never look good in person, everyone knows this.
Regina- I have heard it’s all smoke and mirrors.
Valerie- Well Smokey the Bear over there looks like he hasn’t seen a mirror in over a decade. Or two.
Regina- Is this really who we want for the museum, Kate? He looks like the Unibomber.
Valerie- And correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t John Hughes hate Judd Nelson anyway?
Regina- Oooh! Yes! I have read that!
Katherine- Are you two listening to yourselves?? We need him to get the rest of the brat pack people on board. If we can get him, the rest are easy.
Valerie- I guess.
Regina- Whatever you say.
Katherine walks back to Judd Nelson
Katherine- I am so sorry.
Judd- No, really. It’s fine. I had nothing better to do than hang in my driveway and wait for three slutty women from Chicago to do me in the back of their white van. Shall we?
Katherine- Well, see, there is a slight problem.
Judd- There always is.
Katherine- Two of the sluts think you are a bit repulsive.
Judd stares at Katherine
Katherine-But I still think you’re hot, so….
Judd- I am not coming to Chicago to help you open a museum. Unless it is dedicated to porn.
Judd ponders that sentence
Judd- Yeah, still nope.
Katherine- Please Judd Nelson?? I am begging you!
Judd- On what alternate Universe would I get into a van with you and your nutbag friends and head to Illinois to start a museum with my skin, toenails and locks of hair in it…..
Katherine- FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO NOT HAVE ANY OF YOUR HAIR!
Judd- And tell your stupid friends that I don’t look like dog shit!
Katherine- You heard that?
Valerie (yelling from the van)- YOU HAVE FALLEN TO PIECES, MY FRIEND.
Judd- YOU HAVEN’T HELD UP WELL EITHER.
Valerie- YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I USED TO LOOK LIKE. THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.
Katherine (looks at Judd and is holding something in her jacket)-You have given me no other option.
Judd- What is that? Is that? Is that a curling iron in your pocket?
Katherine- No? It is my weapon. Don’t make me use my weapon on you Judd Nelson!
Judd- For real? Am I being Punk’d?
Judd walks over to the drivers side of the van
Katherine- Where do you think you’re going? You can’t go over there!
Judd- You obviously can’t drive with that curling iron in your pocket.
Katherine- No way! You will just drive us to the police station!
Judd- With a van full of sluts? Impossible.
Valerie- He can’t be trusted! He doesn’t even have a Twitter account!
Regina- I feel like that makes him even more trustworthy.
Judd- Thank you, Regina.
Katherine- I need you to take us to the next location.
Judd- Of course!
Valerie- That isn’t law enforcement-related.
Judd- Of course!
Katherine, Regina and Valerie look at each other and decide on their next move.
Katherine- Get him girls.
Starving screenwriter needs to put Amazon affiliate links in her screenplay post. Make her movie and they will go away.
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