Forget about the fact that this is silly and unrealistic beyond compare, can we talk about the kick ass soundtrack this movie would have?
In fact, one could argue that I wrote this screenplay SOLELY for the purpose of creating the world’s best soundtrack ever.
Maybe I am using this screenplay for the music.
Did you ever think of that?
I’ll make a therapy appointment this week but thank you for continuing to read this series of posts. A big shout out to those who are still encouraging me at this point. Your name will go in the credits, I promise. And you can help with the soundtrack too!
If you are new, you can catch up by heading to this page where all of the previous scenes are waiting for you.
Scene Nine- “Cousins. Twice Removed.”
Katherine, Regina and Valerie take turns driving the van all night and make their first stop at daybreak in Salt Lake City, Utah. They stop for breakfast at a cool little restaurant that Katherine read about on Yelp that is famous for quiche. They all pile out of the van and head to breakfast.
Valerie- Ooh, Mormon people! Out of my way!
Judd- Yeah, me too!
Katherine- Not so fast! You’re a flight risk.
Judd- In Salt Lake City? There isn’t any booze or nefarious shit for miles. I’m safe as a baby.
Regina- I actually think he’s spot on.
Judd- Plus I don’t have a phone, keys or shoes.
Katherine looks down and sees Judd in tube socks
Katherine- WHO TOOK JUDD NELSON’S SHOES??
Michael- Valerie did at the last rest stop.
Valerie- I couldn’t find mine. Who knew Judd Nelson would wear women’s size shoes? Anyway, I don’t think you need shoes in Salt Lake City, so you good.
Judd- And why is that?
Valerie- On account of Jesus. If Jesus didn’t have to wear shoes, neither should Judd Nelson.
Judd- Yeah. What Valerie said.
Katherine (to Judd)- Please stop encouraging her.
They find Judd Nelson’s shoes and walk into the restaurant to be seated. After sitting down at a large table in the middle of the restaurant, they look down at their menus and see the name of the restaurant, “Some Kind of Wonderful”, which they missed on the way in due to the shoe commotion. A collective sigh is heard from Judd and Molly.
Judd- I’m sensing a theme with this road trip.
Molly- A trip down memory hell.
Katherine- I know! Isn’t this fun??
Emilio- If John Cusack comes out as busboy, I might hurl.
Katherine- Ooh John Cusack! See that would have been a better…….never mind.
Judd- Go ahead. Say it.
Katherine- I just think he would have been more professional to work with, that’s all.
Valerie- I definitely could have used a lighter flow tampon on John Cusack.
Michael (to Molly, Emilio and Judd)- Come on guys, lighten up. This is fun!
Molly spots someone out of the corner of her eye
Molly- Oh. My. God.
Molly- Look who’s at the hostess stand.
Emilio- A gray haired Asian dude?
Molly- Long, Duck. Dong.
Judd (laughing)- Excuse you?
Molly- Long Duck Dong! It’s him! I’m almost positive!
Michael- Well that’s kind of racist Molly. Just because that gentleman is Asian does not mean he’s Long Duck Dong. They don’t all look alike. Right Regina?
Judd- How would Regina know they don’t all “look alike”?
Michael- I, uh, I didn’t…
Judd- I think you should apologize to her. In Asian.
Valerie- His name isn’t really Long Duck Dong. Is it?
Katherine- Then what the hell IS it?
Judd- It’s called Google. I would do the honors but I’m a “flight risk”.
Valerie looks on her phone
Valerie- It says here his name is Gedde Watanabe.
Regina (looking up from her menu)- Oh! I know him.
Valerie- Me too! He was in Gung Ho! I love that movie.
Regina- No. I mean I KNOW him know him.
Katherine- You do??
Regina- I’m related to him.
Valerie- YOU ARE??
Regina- Cousins. Twice removed. Only see each other at specific Asian holidays (looks at Michael and Judd).
Katherine- Stop it! You are not actually related to Long Duck Dong.
Regina- Why do you keep calling him that?
Valerie shows an image of him from Sixteen Candles, on her phone
Regina- OH MY GOD. Gedde was Long Duck Dong!
Judd- Can someone pass the creamer?
Katherine- How in the hell did you not know your cousin was famous?
Valerie- Yeah, Regina. He even looks exactly the same as he did in the 80’s.
Judd- Again, racist.
Regina- Probably because being an actor is kind of disgraceful in our culture.
Emilio- All I want to know is what in the hell Long Duck Dong is doing in Salt Lake City Utah?
Valerie- Maybe it’s because he’s not Long Duck Dong.
Regina- Well that guy sure looks like Gedde and if you say he played Long Duck Dong, then that is indeed him.
Katherine- Go get him for our museum!
Regina- I can’t do that! He’s family!
Regina- It’s just weird with Asian families. He’s all “famous” and here I am riding in a smelly van with 80’s rejects, my best friends who are certifiable and I have two-day hair going on.
Judd- Yeah but he’s disgraceful so he should fit right in with you all.
Katherine- Man, I had no idea we had our thumb on the pulse of the 80’s this whole time. This changes things.
Regina- How? How does this change anything?
Katherine- Don’t you see? He’s our IN Regina!
Judd- Thank God. Can I go home now?
Katherine, Regina and Valerie (in unison)- NO!
Katherine (to Regina)- Go over and talk to him. Please? For me?
Valerie- I got some dry shampoo somewhere in my purse.
Regina- I really REALLY don’t want to do this.
Judd- Now you know how I feel.
Regina slowly walks over to Gedde, she taps him on the shoulder and after some chit chat, they embrace. After a few minutes of banter, she brings him back to the table.
Regina- Everyone, meet my cousin, Gedde. The apparently disgraced member of my family.
Everyone greets Gedde
Gedde-Never would I think this sight would await my eyes! Here! In Utah!
Judd- So do we give you your order or….
Valerie- Donger need food!
Gedde (looking confused)- Excuse me?
Katherine- Ignore them, we’ve been on the road for over 24 hours.
Gedde- Of course! Let me find your server.
Regina- Oh, I thought you worked here.
Gedde- I do! I own it!
Regina (under her breath)- Great. Famous and an entrepreneur.
Katherine- You own a quiche restaurant.
Gedde- We like to call it a “quiche experience”!
Katherine- You own a goddamn quiche experience?
Gedde- We don’t like to use the word that word here in Salt Lake City….
Valerie- What the hell is wrong with the word quiche?
Katherine-……DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THE INNUENDO??
Regina- Don’t mind my friend Kate, she’s a……
Judd- …kidnapping b-list celebrities is emotionally trying…
Gedde- Excuse me?
Emilio- So what’s with the name of the restaurant?
Gedde- John Hughes is the inspiration for everything in my life.
Katherine- Finally, someone who gets it.
Regina- You named your restaurant after a John Hughes movie that you didn’t star in?
Gedde- The name Sixteen Candles was already taken.
Emilio- Party store?
Gedde- Surprisingly enough, an adult video store.
Judd- So where can we find this Sixteen Candles store, Gedde?
Gedde- I created this restaurant as an homage to my character and out of my deep respect for Mr. Hughes.
Katherine- Is that right? (leering at Judd and Molly)
Judd- Super. Our server, Duck dong?
Gedde leaves to get the server then comes back to talk to the table.
Gedde- So why are you all together on this fine day?
Katherine- Funny you should ask, Gedde. We are on our way to open a museum dedicated to John Hughes.
Judd- If we are being honest here, I was kidnapped.
Valerie- No one cares.
Gedde- That sounds like fun!
Katherine- Wait! Would you like to join us?
Gedde- You want to kidnap me too??
Regina- You’re family, Gedde. It wouldn’t be kidnapping.
Gedde- I would be honored to get kidnapped!
Molly- Gedde? Before you leave, are there any mushrooms in the Sexy American Girlfriend quiche?
Katherine (to Judd)- NOT A WORD.
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