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Don’t You Forget About Me- Scene Nine “Cousins. Twice Removed”

Forget about the fact that this is silly and unrealistic beyond compare, can we talk about the kick-ass soundtrack this movie would have?

In fact, one could argue that I wrote this screenplay SOLELY for the purpose of creating the world’s best soundtrack ever.

Maybe I am using this screenplay for the music.

Did you ever think of that?

I’ll make a therapy appointment this week but thank you for continuing to read this series of posts. A big shout out to those who are still encouraging me at this point. Your name will go in the credits, I promise. And you can help with the soundtrack too!

If you are new, you can catch up by heading to this page where all of the previous scenes are waiting for you.

 

John Hughes, screenplay,

 

Scene Nine- “Cousins. Twice Removed.”

Katherine, Regina, and Valerie take turns driving the van all night and make their first stop at daybreak in Salt Lake City, Utah. They stop for breakfast at a cool little restaurant that Katherine read about on Yelp that is famous for quiche. They all pile out of the van and head to breakfast.

Valerie (to no one in particular) – Ooh, Mormon people! Out of my way.

Judd (to Valerie) – Yeah, me too.

Katherine (to Judd) – Not so fast! You’re a flight risk.

Judd (to Katherine) – In Salt Lake City? There isn’t any booze or nefarious shit for miles. I’m safe as a baby.

Regina (to Katherine) – I actually think he’s spot on.

Judd (to Katherine) – Plus I don’t have a phone, keys or shoes.

Katherine looks down and sees Judd in tube socks

Katherine (to the group) – WHO TOOK JUDD NELSON’S SHOES?

Michael (to Katherine) – Valerie did at the last rest stop.

Valerie shushes Michael

Katherine stares at Valerie

Valerie (to Katherine) – I couldn’t find mine.

Katherine (to Valerie) – Really?

Valerie (to Katherine)-Who knew Judd wears women’s size shoes?

Valerie (to Judd) – Anyway, I don’t think you need shoes in Salt Lake City, so you good.

Judd (to Valerie) – And why is that?

Valerie (to Judd) – On account of Jesus. If Jesus didn’t have to wear shoes, neither should Judd Nelson.

Judd (to Katherine) – Yeah. What Valerie said.

Regina (to Judd) – Don’t encourage her.

They find Judd Nelson’s shoes and walk into the restaurant to be seated. After sitting down at a large table in the middle of the restaurant, they look down at their menus and see the name of the restaurant, “Some Kind of Wonderful”, which they missed on the way in due to the shoe commotion. A collective sigh is heard from Judd and Molly. 

Judd (to Katherine) – I am sensing a theme with this road trip.

Molly (to Katherine) – A trip down memory hell.

Katherine (to Judd and Molly) – I know! Isn’t this fun??

Emilio (to the group) – If John Cusack comes out as a busboy, I might hurl.

Katherine (to herself, only out loud) – Ooh John Cusack. See that would have been a better…….never mind.

Judd (to Katherine) – Go ahead. Say it.

Katherine (to Judd) – I just think he would have been more professional to work with, that’s all.

Valerie (to the group) – I DEFINITELY could have used a lighter flow tampon on John Cusack.

Michael (to the group) – Come on guys, this is fun! Let’s order.

Molly spots a familiar face out of the corner of her eye

Molly (out loud, to no one in particular) – Oh. My. God.

Emilio (to Molly) – What?

Molly (to the group) – Look who is at the hostess stand.

Emilio (to Molly) – A gray-haired Asian dude.

Molly (to the group) – Long, Duck. Dong.

Judd (laughing, to Molly) – Excuse you?

Molly (to Judd) – Long Duck Dong! It’s him! I am almost positive!

Michael (to Molly) – Well that’s kind of racist Molly. Just because that gentleman is Asian does not mean he is Long Duck Dong. They don’t all look alike. Right, Regina?

Judd (to Michael) – How would Regina know they don’t all “look alike”?

Michael (to Judd) – I, uh, I didn’t…

Judd (to Michael) – I think you should apologize to her. In Asian.

Valerie (to the group) – His name isn’t really Long Duck Dong. Is it?

Katherine (to the group) – Then what the hell IS it?

Judd (to Katherine) – It’s called Google. I would do the honors but I’m a flight risk.

Valerie looks on her phone 

Valerie (to the group) – It says here his name is Gedde Watanabe.

Regina (looks up from her menu, to Valerie) – Oh! I know him,

Valerie (to Regina) – Me too! He was in Gung Ho! I love that movie.

Regina (to the group) – No. I mean I KNOW him know him.

Katherine (to Regina) – You do??

Regina (to Katherine) – I’m related to him.

Valerie (to Regina) – YOU ARE??

Regina (to Valerie) – Cousins. Twice removed. Only see each other at specific Asian holidays. (Looks at Michael and Judd)

Katherine (to Regina) – Stop it! You are not actually related to Long Duck Dong.

Regina (to Katherine) – Why do you keep calling him that?

Valerie shows an image of him from Sixteen Candles, on her phone

Regina (to no one in particular) – OH MY GOD. Gedde was Long Duck Dong!

Judd (to the group) – Can someone pass the creamer?

Katherine (to Regina) – How in the hell did you not know your cousin was famous?

Valerie (to Regina) – Yeah, Regina. He even looks exactly the same as he did in the 80’s.

Judd (to Valerie) – Again, racist.

Regina (to the group) – Probably because being an actor is kind of disgraceful in our culture.

Molly (to Regina) – WHAT??

Emilio (to the group) – All I want to know is what in the hell Long Duck Dong is doing in Salt Lake City Utah?

Valerie (to Emilio) – Maybe it’s because he’s not Long Duck Dong.

Regina (to the group)- Well that guy sure looks like Gedde and if you say he played Long Duck Dong, then that is indeed him.

Katherine (to Regina) – Go get him for our museum!

Regina (to Katherine) – I can’t do that! He’s family!

Valerie (to Regina) – So?

Regina (to Valerie)- Plus, he’s all “famous” and here I am riding in a smelly van with some 80’s rejects, my best friends who are certifiable and I have two-day hair going on.

Judd (to Regina) – Yeah but he’s disgraceful so he should fit right in with you all.

Katherine (to no one in particular) – Man, I had no idea we had our thumb on the pulse of the 80’s this whole time. This changes things.

Regina (to Katherine) – How? How does this change anything?

Katherine (to Regina) – Don’t you see? He’s our IN Regina!

Judd (to the group) – Thank God. Can I go home now?

Katherine, Regina, and Valerie (in unison) – NO!

Katherine (to Regina) – Go over and talk to him. Please? For me?

Valerie (to Regina) – I got some dry shampoo somewhere in my purse.

Regina (to the group) – I really REALLY don’t want to do this.

Judd (to Regina) – Now you know how I feel.

Regina slowly walks over to Gedde, she taps him on the shoulder and after some chit chat, and they embrace. After a few minutes of banter, she brings him back to the table. 

Regina (to the group) – Everyone, meet my cousin, Gedde. The apparently disgraced member of our family.

Everyone greets Gedde

Gedde (to the group)-Never would I think this sight would await my eyes! Here! In Utah!

Judd (to Gedde) – So do we give you your order or….

Valerie (to Gedde) – Yeah, Donger need food!

Gedde (looking confused) – Excuse me?

Katherine (to Gedde) – Ignore them, we’ve been on the road for over 24 hours.

Gedde (to Katherine) – Of course! Let me find your server.

Regina (to Gedde) – Wait, I thought you worked here.

Gedde (to Regina) – Oh I do! I own it.

Katherine (to Gedde) – You own a quiche restaurant.

Gedde (to Katherine) – A “quiche experience”!

Katherine (to Gedde) – You own a goddamn quiche experience?

Gedde (to Katherine) – We don’t like to use the word that word here in Salt Lake City.

Valerie (to Gedde) – What the hell is wrong with the word quiche?

Katherine (to the group)-……DOES NO ONE ELSE SEE THE INNUENDO??

Regina (to Gedde) – Don’t mind my friend Kate, it’s been a long drive and….

Judd (to Gedde) – …kidnapping b-list celebrities is trying…

Gedde (to Judd) – Excuse me?

Molly (to Gedde) – So what’s with the name of the restaurant?

Gedde (to Molly) – Have you ever heard of John Hughes?

Molly stares at Gedde

Gedde (giggling, to Molly) – Well of course you do!

Regina (to Gedde) – The name?

Gedde (to the group) – Oh yes, well John Hughes is the inspiration for everything in my life.

Katherine (out loud to no one in particular) – Finally someone who gets it.

Regina (to Gedde) – You named your restaurant after a John Hughes movie that you didn’t star in?

Gedde (to Regina) – The name Sixteen Candles was already taken.

Emilio (to Gedde) – Party store?

Gedde (to Emilio) – Surprisingly enough, an adult video store.

Judd (to Gedde) – So where can we find this Sixteen Candles store, Gedde?

Gedde (to the group) – I created this restaurant as an homage to my character and my respect for Mr. Hughes.

Katherine (to Gedde) – Is that right? (Leering at Judd and Molly)

Judd (to no one in particular) – Super. Our server, Duck Dong?

Gedde runs to get the server then comes back to talk to the table. 

Gedde (to the group) – So why are you all together on this fine day?

Katherine (to Gedde) – Funny you should ask, Gedde. We are on our way to open a museum dedicated to John Hughes.

Judd (to Gedde) – If we are being honest here, I was kidnapped.

Valerie (to Judd) – No one cares.

Gedde (to the group) – That sounds like fun!

Katherine (to Gedde) – Wait! Would you like to join us?

Gedde (to Katherine) – You want to kidnap me too??

Regina (to Gedde) – You’re family, Gedde. It wouldn’t be kidnapping.

Gedde (to the group) – I would be honored to get kidnapped!

Molly (to Gedde) – Before you run off, are there any mushrooms in the Sexy American Girlfriend quiche?

Katherine (to Judd)- NOT A WORD.

I love to write about my family, John Hughes, tacos and Bruce Hornsby. Not necessarily in that order.

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