Welcome to the assassination of everything John Hughes.
So I am back with scene six after taking a two-week break from sharing. I have to be honest, I thought about stopping altogether.
I can hear sighs of relief all over the land.
But then I got a message from a reader asking what happens next?? and I was all YOU REALLY REALLY LIKE MEEEEEEE and decided to keep sharing because I feed off of comments, messages and you brushing my hair and telling me that whatever I write, you love to read.
Here’s to 2018, more crappy scenarios and Judd Nelson’s 30-year rash.
Let’s hope I don’t get sued!
For the previous scene, head here.
Scene Six- “He Owns a Panty Store”
The three women tackle Judd Nelson to the ground on his street to the delight of some of his neighbors. Twenty-ish minutes later, Katherine is driving the van, Regina is in the front passenger seat and Valerie is in the backseat next to Judd Nelson, who is tied to his seat with tampons and has a maxipad taped to his eyes.
Valerie- Take us to your leader, Judd Nelson.
Judd- I don’t have a leader.
Katherine- Sorry about that scene back there. We don’t mean to be hostile, but you weren’t being very cooperative.
Judd- God, I smell like a fresh summer day. Now I know what it feels like to be Jon Cryer.
Katherine- There are specific people who are connected to you whom we need in this van to make our museum a reality.
Judd- Specific people? Who even says that…..
Regina- She means who do you keep in touch with from the old days?
Judd- From high school? No one, thank God.
Valerie- Not high school. Your brat pack friends.
Katherine- Do you keep in touch with anyone from the brat pack?
Judd- On purpose?
Katherine- Well, yeah.
Judd- Uh no. And here’s a tip, we don’t refer to each other as “the brat pack”.
Regina- He’s lying.
Valerie- Yeah, he totally plays bunco with that nerd from Sixteen Candles.
Katherine- Ooh! Where can we find him!
Judd- I am not fulfilling some over the hill fantasy you all have.
Valerie tightens the tampons and a half hour later they are on their way to find Anthony Michael Hall.
Katherine- GPS says we’re only five minutes away! I am so excited!
Judd- On the edge of my seat.
Regina (looking at the GPS)- Wait. Anthony Michael Hall works at Geek?
Judd- He owns it.
Regina- ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL OWNS GEEK??
Katherine- What in the hell is Geek?
Regina- It’s only THE coolest panty and bra store this side of Victoria’s Secret. Those panties are supposed to be AHMAZINGGG.
Katherine- You must be joking. He owns a panty store?
Regina- And they are as smooth as butter!
Valerie- I don’t want anything wrapped around my ass that smells like butter.
Regina- They don’t SMELL like butter, they FEEL like butter.
Valerie- Okay then. Get me some of them panties.
Katherine- Hello?? Does no one else here see the innuendo?
Valerie- About butter?
Katherine- Panties! Panties! The nerd from Sixteen Candles?? Owns a panty store??
Regina- No clue.
Katherine- Oh come on! PANTIES!!
Judd- For the love of God, stop saying the word panty.
Regina- How are we gonna get Anthony Michael Hall into the van?
Katherine- Judd, you call Anthony and somehow get him to come out to the parking lot. Because if you go in with a maxi-pad over your eyes, it will look very suspicious.
Judd- You think so, Kate?
Valerie- I CANNOT wait to tie up the nerd with tampons. This might be a bucket list thing.
Regina- Something tells me you might not need to use feminine products with him.
Valerie- Unlike someone I know (giving Judd the side-eye).
Judd- I am not taking part in your stalker museum plan. You figure out how to get the nerd into the van.
Katherine-Oh come ON Judd Nelson!
Regina- Don’t be a spoil sport!
Judd- You fucking kidnapped me!
Katherine- Listen, it’s not like your career was going anywhere anyway.
Judd- People still want me.
Valerie- Dude, you were alone watching porn and drinking on a Tuesday night when we found you.
Judd- YOU HELD ME AGAINST MY WILL WITH A CURLING IRON AND MENSTRUATION PRODUCTS.
Valerie- That says more about you than it does us.
Judd hangs his head down in shame
Judd- What would one say to lure Anthony Michael Hall out to the parking lot?
Katherine- Tell him you have some sort of sporting event tickets.
Valerie- Or a bag of weed.
Katherine- Oh right, like we could afford a bag of weed.
Valerie- Focus Kate.
Regina- Tell him that there are three middle-aged women in the parking lot that need to get their hands on those butter panties.
Judd calls the store on Katherine’s phone and asks to speak to Anthony Michael Hall. After some back and forth, Anthony Michael Hall or Michael, as he is known, says he will be out in a few minutes.
Katherine- He’s kind of gullible.
Valerie- Definitely won’t need to use the tampons on him.
Michael walks toward the van and Regina rolls down the passenger side window.
Regina- Wow! Big fans here! It is so nice to meet you!
Michael- Oh, thank you! Good to meet you too! Uh, who are you?
Regina- My name is Regina! We have your friend Judd Nelson in the backseat.
Michael (whispering)- We aren’t really friends. Shhh.
Judd- Still a dick I see.
Katherine (leaning over Regina)- So I bet you are wondering why we have Judd Nelson tied up with tampons.
Michael- Not really.
Katherine- We’re taking a field trip to Chicago!
Michael- Sounds like a lot of fun!
Katherine- Doesn’t it? We want to open a John Hughes museum there!
Michael- Whoa! That sounds extra cool!
Katherine (talking to Judd, Regina and Valerie)- See? Anthony Michael Hall gets it.
Judd- I wouldn’t take that as a compliment.
Regina- Want to come with us to help open the museum?
Valerie- Judd is already on board and can’t wait.
Judd- Run, Michael.
Michael- Sure! Let me tell them inside that I’m leaving. They get mad when I don’t do that.
Michael walks back into the store.
Katherine- I never imagined he would be such a nice guy!
Judd- He is calling the cops, brain surgeons.
Katherine runs into the store to find that Michael really IS telling his employees he is leaving for a few days to go on a fun road trip with a bunch of girls he just met. And Judd Nelson.
Back in the van, Michael is full of excitement and not at all worried that these women might be kidnapping him.
Michael-I cannot wait for my first ever road trip! My parents never took me on one because of the child actor thing.
Valerie- What about that cross-country road trip you took to Disney World?
Judd- That was a movie, dumbass.
Michael- I am pretty much scarred for life because of me missing my childhood. (sighs deeply then notices Valerie’s snack) OOH! Are those Funyuns??
Michael (eating Funyuns)- So what’s the plan? Where do we go first?
Judd- Yes ladies, what IS the plan?
Katherine- I hadn’t thought beyond getting Judd Nelson into our van. Getting Anthony Michael Hall is a bonus.
Regina- I am pretty sure Rule #1 of Kidnapping 101 is not to tell your victims that you don’t have a plan.
Valerie- I am pretty sure Rule #2 is don’t allow Funyuns in the car because HOLY HELL (waving her arms to get the smell out of the car).
Katherine- Well, my new plan involves asking Judd and Michael where their other friends are.
Michael- I don’t have any friends.
Katherine- No, I mean from your John Hughes movie days!
Judd- I don’t keep in touch with anyone and I am pretty sure you don’t want Greg from bridge club in the van.
Michael- He’s lying.
Judd- You don’t know who I know.
Michael- He still talks to Molly Ringwald on the regular.
Judd- Stop yourself.
Michael- Judd and I both go to the same spa. Which is where she works now.
Katherine- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Regina- You lost me at spa.
Valerie- Molly Ringwald?
Katherine- Works at a spa?
Regina- I thought she was an author and singer now?
Michael- Oh God no! That’s her cover. Her real passion is being an aesthetician.
Valerie- For real?
Regina- She does skin care? For money?
Michael- Yes and she is really good at it too!
Valerie- Like a friggin’ Clinique counter person?
Michael- No, no, she does special lipstick applications that she developed herself! She’s kind of a big deal in the cosmetic procedure industry.
Katherine- Oh for the love of all that is holy, this isn’t real.
Michael- Sure it is!
Regina- Why? I could totally see her working at a spa.
Katherine- How do none of you see the connection?? Lipstick application? Breakfast Club?
Valerie- Mmm breakfast.
Regina- Katherine, are you feeling okay?
Katherine- I’m not sure.
Valerie (to Michael and Judd)- So you get your lipstick applied by Molly Ringwald?
Michael- I’m more of a massage and schvitz kind of guy but Judd goes there for his rash treatments.
Judd hangs his head down
Valerie- With the rash again?? There has GOT to be a clinic in Thailand just waiting to get their hands on you.
Katherine- So if you and Judd aren’t friends, how do you know so much about him?
Michael- My mom got me a subscription to People magazine for Christmas.
Katherine- Ah yes, so where is this elusive spa?
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