John Hughes, screenplay,
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Don’t You Forget About Me- Scene Six “He Owns a Panty Store”

Welcome to the assassination of everything John Hughes.

So I am back with scene six after taking a two-week break from sharing. I have to be honest, I thought about stopping altogether.

I can hear sighs of relief all over the land.

But then I got a message from a reader asking what happens next?? and I was all YOU REALLY REALLY LIKE MEEEEEEE and decided to keep sharing because I feed off of comments, messages and you brushing my hair and telling me that whatever I write, you love to read.

Here’s to 2018, more crappy scenarios and Judd Nelson’s 30-year rash.

Let’s hope I don’t get sued!

For previous scenes, head here.

 

John Hughes, screenplay,

 

Scene Six- “He Owns a Panty Store”

After the women capture Judd Nelson some twenty minutes later, Katherine is driving the van, Regina is in the front passenger seat and Valerie is in the backseat next to Judd Nelson, who is tied to his seat with tampons and has a maxi-pad taped to his eyes.

 

Valerie (to Judd) – Take us to your leader, Judd Nelson.

Judd (to Valerie) – I don’t have a leader.

Katherine (to Judd) – Sorry about that back there, we really don’t mean to be hostile.

Judd (to no one in particular) – God, I smell like a fresh summer day. Now I know what it feels like to be Jon Cryer.

Katherine (to Judd) – There are specific people who are connected to you whom we need in this van to make our museum a reality.

Judd (to Katherine) – Specific people? Who even talks like that…..?

Regina (to Judd) – She means who do you keep in touch with from the old days?

Judd (to Regina) – From high school? No one thank God.

Valerie (to Judd) – Not high school. Your brat pack friends.

Judd (to Valerie) – Huh?

Katherine (to Judd) – Do you keep in touch with anyone from the brat pack?

Judd (to Katherine) – On purpose?

Katherine (to Judd) – Well, yeah.

Judd (to Katherine) – Uh no. And here’s a tip- we don’t refer to each other as “the brat pack”.

Regina (to Katherine) – He’s lying.

Valerie (to Judd) – Admit it, you totally play bunco with that nerd from Sixteen Candles.

Katherine (to Judd) – Ooh! Where can we find him!

Judd (to Katherine) – Nope. I am not fulfilling some over the hill fantasy you all have.

Valerie tightens Judd’s tampons and a half hour later they are on their way to find Anthony Michael Hall.  

Katherine (to everyone in the van) – GPS says we’re only five minutes away!

Judd (to Katherine) – I am on the edge of my seat.

Regina (looking at the GPS) – Wait. Anthony Michael Hall works at Geek?

Judd (to Regina) – He owns Geek.

Regina (excitedly to everyone in the van) – ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL OWNS GEEK??

Katherine (to Regina) – What in the hell is Geek?

Regina (to Katherine) – It is only THE coolest panty and bra store this side of Victoria’s Secret! Those panties are supposed to be AHMAZZINNG.

Katherine (to Regina) – You must be joking. He owns a panty store?

Regina (to no one in particular) – And they are as smooth as butter too!

Valerie (to Regina) – I don’t want nothing wrapped around my ass that smells like butter.

Regina (to Valerie) – They don’t SMELL like butter, they FEEL like butter.

Valerie (to Regina) – Okay then, get me some of them panties.

Katherine (to Regina and Valerie) – Hello?? Does no one else here see the innuendo?

Valerie (to Katherine) – About butter?

Katherine (to Valerie and Regina) – Panties! Panties! The nerd from Sixteen Candles?

Regina (to Katherine) – No clue.

Valerie (to Katherine) – Huh.

Katherine (loudly, to Valerie and Regina) – Oh come on! PANTIES!

Judd (to the entire van) – For the love of God, stop saying the word panty.

Regina (to Katherine) – How exactly are we gonna get Anthony Michael Hall into the van?

Katherine (to Judd) – Judd, you call Anthony and somehow get him to come out to the parking lot. Because if you go in with a maxi-pad over your eyes, it will look very suspicious.

Judd (to Katherine) – You think so, Kate?

Valerie (to no one in particular) – I CANNOT wait to tie up the nerd with tampons. This might be a bucket list thing.

Regina (to Valerie) – Something tells me you might not need to use feminine products with him.

Valerie- Unlike someone I know (giving Judd the side-eye).

Judd (to the girls) – I am not taking part in your stalker museum plan. You figure out how to get the nerd into the van.

Katherine (to Judd)-Oh come ON Judd Nelson!

Regina (to Judd) – Don’t be a spoilsport!

Judd (to all three girls) – You fucking kidnapped me!

Valerie (to Judd) – So?

Judd (to Valerie) – SO??

Katherine (to Judd) – Listen, it’s not like your career was going anywhere anyway.

Judd (to Katherine) – Are you listening to what you are saying??

Valerie (to Judd) – Dude, you were alone watching porn and drinking on a Tuesday night when we found you.

Regina (to Judd) – Pathetic.

Judd (to the girls) – YOU HELD ME AGAINST MY WILL WITH A CURLING IRON AND MENSTRUATION PRODUCTS.

Valerie (to Judd) – That says way more about you than it does about us.

Judd thinks about that statement then hangs his head down in shame

Judd (to Katherine, quietly) – What would one say to get him out to the parking lot?

Katherine (to Judd) – Tell him you have some sort of sporting event tickets.

Valerie (to Judd) – Or a bag of weed.

Katherine (to Valerie) – Oh right, like we could afford a bag of weed.

Valerie (to Katherine) – Focus Kate.

Regina (to Judd) – Tell him that there are three middle-aged women in the parking lot that need to get their hands on those butter panties.

Judd calls the store on Katherine’s phone and asks to speak to Anthony Michael Hall. After some back and forth, Anthony Michael Hall or Michael, as he is known, says he will be out in a few minutes.  

Katherine (to Judd) – He’s kind of gullible.

Valerie (to Katherine) – Definitely won’t need to use the tampons on him. 

Michael walks toward the van and Regina rolls down the passenger side window.  

Regina (to Michael) – It is so nice to meet you!

Michael (to Regina) – Thanks! Uh, who are you?

Regina (to Michael) – My name is Regina. We have your friend Judd in the backseat.

Michael (whispering) – We aren’t really friends.

Judd (to no one) – Still a dick I see.

Katherine (leaning over Regina) – So I bet you are wondering why we have Judd Nelson tied up with tampons.

Michael (to Katherine) – Not really.

Katherine (to Michael) – Well, we are taking a field trip to Chicago!

Michael (to Katherine) – That sounds like fun!

Katherine (to Michael) – It does, doesn’t it?

Regina (to Michael) – We are trying to open a John Hughes museum there and need your help.

Michael (to Regina) – Whoa! That sounds extra cool!

Katherine (to Judd) – See? Anthony Michael Hall gets it.

Judd (to Katherine) – I wouldn’t take that as a compliment.

Regina (to Michael) – So, are you in?

Valerie (to Michael) – Judd is already on board and can’t wait.

Judd grunts

Michael (to Valerie) – Sure! Let me tell them inside that I’m leaving. They get mad when I don’t do that.

Katherine (to Michael) – Okay!

Michael walks back into the store.  

Katherine (to everyone in the van) – I never imagined he’d be such a nice guy!

Judd (to Katherine) – He is calling the cops, brain surgeons.

Valerie (to no one) – SHIT.

Katherine runs into the store to find that Michael really IS telling his employees he is leaving for a few days to go on a fun road trip with a bunch of girls he just met. And Judd Nelson. 

Back in the van, Michael is full of excitement and not at all worried that these females might be kidnapping him.  

Michael (to everyone in the van)-I cannot wait for my first ever road trip! My parents never took me on one because of the whole child actor thing.

Valerie (to Michael) – What about that cross-country road trip you took to Disney World?

Judd (to Valerie) – That was a movie, dumbass.

Michael (to everyone in the van) – I am pretty much scarred for life because of me missing my childhood. (Sighs deeply then notices Valerie’s snack) OOH! Are those Funyuns??

Michael (eating Funyuns) – So what is the plan? Where do we go first?

Judd (to the girls) – Yes ladies, what IS the plan?

Katherine (to Judd) – I hadn’t thought beyond getting you into our van. Getting Anthony Michael Hall is a bonus.

Regina (to Katherine)- I am pretty sure Rule #1 of Kidnapping 101 is not to tell your victims that you don’t have a plan.

Valerie (to Regina) – I am pretty sure Rule #2 is don’t allow Funyuns in the car because HOLY HELL (waving her arms to get the smell out of the car).

Katherine (to the entire van) – Well, my new plan involves asking Judd and Michael where their other friends are located.

Michael (to Katherine) – I don’t have any friends.

Judd (to Michael) – Shocker.

Katherine (to Michael and Judd) – No, I mean from your John Hughes movie days.

Judd (to Katherine) – I don’t keep in touch with any of the others.

Michael (to Katherine) – He’s lying.

Judd (to Michael) – You don’t know who I know.

Michael (to the girls) – He still talks to Molly on the regular. Oops, did I say too much? (Giving Judd a sarcastic look)

Judd (to Michael) – Stop yourself.

Michael (to the girls) – The reason I know is because we both go to the same spa. Which is where she works now.

Katherine (to Michael) – Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Regina (to Michael) – You lost me at the same spa.

Valerie (to Michael) – Molly Ringwald?

Michael (to Valerie) – Yes?

Katherine (to Michael) – Works at a spa?

Michael (to Katherine) – Yes?

Valerie (to Michael) – For real?

Michael (to Valerie) – Yep!

Regina (to Michael) – She does skin care? For money?

Michael (to Regina) – Yes and she is really good at it too!

Valerie (to Michael) – Like a friggin’ Clinique counter person? What the hell Molly?

Michael (to Valerie) – No, no, she does special lipstick applications that she developed herself! She’s kind of a big deal in the cosmetic procedure industry.

Katherine (to no one in particular) – Oh for the love of all that is holy, this isn’t real.

Michael (to Katherine) – Sure it is!

Regina (to Katherine) – Why? I could totally see her working at a spa.

Katherine (to Regina) – How do none of you see the connection?? Lipstick application? Breakfast Club?

Regina (to Katherine) – Kate you feeling okay?

Katherine (to Regna) – I’m not sure.

Valerie (to Michael and Judd) – So you get your lipstick applied by Molly Ringwald?

Michael (to Valerie) – I’m more of a massage and schvitz kind of guy but Judd goes there for his rash treatments.

Judd hangs his head down  

Valerie (to Judd) – With the rash again?? There has GOT to be a clinic in Thailand just waiting to get their hands on you.

Katherine (to Michael) – So if you and Judd aren’t friends, how do you know so much about him?

Michael (to Katherine) – My mom got me a subscription to People magazine for Christmas.

Katherine (to Michael) – Ah yes, so where is this spa?

I love to write about my family, John Hughes, tacos and Bruce Hornsby. Not necessarily in that order.

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