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Scene Eleven- “It Is Weird. But in a Quirky Carnival Side Show Kind of Way”
Katherine, Valerie, and Regina have managed to get Judd Nelson, Anthony Michael Hall, Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, John Kapelos and Gedde Watanabe into their rental van. When we last left them, they are discussing Emilio’s erectile dysfunction ads and John Kapelos’ possibly being on the run from the law. YOU CAN’T WALK AWAY NOW. They are the road in Colorado heading to Chicago to promote and open a John Hughes museum.
Emilio (to Katherine) – When do we get our phones back? It’s embarrassing that I am a goddamn celebrity and I can’t even check my email.
Judd (to Emilio) – That’s embarrassing but your tights and erectile dysfunction isn’t?
Emilio (to Judd) – I DON’T HAVE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
Katherine (to Judd and Emilio) – Stop fighting! You’re stressing me out!
Valerie (to Emilio) – And you aren’t getting any kind of device until we know you are all in.
Emilio (to Valerie) – What does that even mean?
Katherine (to Emilio) – It means we don’t trust you.
Judd (to Katherine) – The feeling is mutual.
There is a loud bang and sputtering noises coming from the van. Katherine tries to steer but the steering wheel doesn’t work.
Katherine (out loud) – HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!
Molly (out loud) – What in the hell?
Gedde (to Molly) – I think she hit something!
Valerie (to no one in particular) – Dear Lord Jesus, don’t let me die sitting next to Carl the janitor!
John (to Valerie) – Hey!
Judd (to Katherine) – What are you doing?? Pull over!
Katherine (to Judd) – Can’t you see I’m trying!
Judd unbuckles and struggles to help Katherine steer the van to the side of the road. They all take a minute to regroup, then get out of the van to see one of the tires is gone.
Michael (to no one in particular) – Didn’t there used to be four tires?
Regina (to no one in particular) – Holy crap!
Gedde (to Regina) – You can say shit, Regina. We’re among friends now.
Katherine (to no one) – I’m speechless.
Valerie (to Katherine) – I never ever thought I would say this but Judd Nelson just saved our lives.
Katherine gives Valerie a dirty look
Valerie (to Katherine) – Tell me you’re not surprised at that statement!
Regina (to Katherine) – I guess I’ll go call the car rental place.
Regina walks away to make the phone call and returns after ten minutes.
Regina (to the group) – They said they would send a replacement van.
Everyone breathes a loud sigh of relief.
Regina (to the group) – In two business days.
Everyone in unison- WHAT?!?
Molly (to Regina) – We can’t wait here for two days!
Valerie (to Judd) – I feel like the coyotes will eat you first.
Katherine (to the group) – There’s got to be another idea, we just aren’t thinking of it.
As Katherine is saying those words, a massive RV is rambling towards them and pulls over to the side of the road. As it pulls to a stop, the group heads toward the vehicle. The window rolls down and Chevy Chase appears in the driver seat with Beverly D’Angelo beside him in the passenger seat.
Chevy Chase (to the group) – Well, well, well, what do we have here?
Katherine (staring dumbstruck at Chevy) – Hush.
Valerie (to Chevy) – Hey! Don’t I know you?
Chevy (to Valerie) – Oh I am sure you don’t. I rarely meet women randomly on the side of the road now do I, Ellen? (He looks at the woman sitting next to him)
Beverly (to Chevy) – I sure hope not Sparky!
Regina (to Chevy and Beverly) – Sparky?
Michael (to Regina) – That was my dog’s name. He’s dead now.
Chevy (to the group) – It looks like you all need a lift!
Judd (to Chevy) – We’re good Sparky.
Chevy (to Judd) – It’s Clark actually. Clark Griswold.
Judd stares at Chevy
Chevy (to the group) – Ellen and I are on our way home from visiting the kids. Heading back to Chicago. You headed that way?
Katherine (to Chevy) – Would you and Ellen excuse us for just one moment?
Clark (to Katherine) – Oh sure! Take your time!
Katherine motions for everyone to follow her to the back of the RV.
Michael (to the group) – Well they seem like a really nice couple! We really lucked out.
Valerie (to Michael)-Your childhood really messed you up, didn’t it?
Michael looks bewildered.
Emilio (to Michael) – You have no idea who they are?
Michael (to Emilio) – Now that you mention it, they do look familiar.
Everyone stares at Michael
Regina (to Michael) – Michael, its Chevy Chase.
Michael (to the group) – Wow! He looks terrible!
Molly (to Michael) – Yeah but he thinks he’s Clark Griswold.
Michael (to Molly) – And?
Valerie (to Michael) – And he isn’t.
Michael (to Valerie) – Oh he’s probably just kidding.
Gedde (to the group) – They really do seem harmless.
Valerie (to Gedde) – Your childhood really messed you up, didn’t it?
Gedde (to Valerie) – I was an adult actor Valerie.
Valerie (to Gedde) – Ooh, I don’t think I ever saw those films. Let’s talk later (winks at Gedde).
Regina (to the group) – Riding with the crazy folk is a better option than being eaten by wild animals.
Judd (to the group) – Do you hear yourselves? What if, in the back of this RV, are like, other movie actors they’ve worked with before? Just bodies and bodies waiting for him and his perky wife to eat.
Valerie (to Judd) – You watch WAY too much 48 Hours.
Katherine (to the group) – Listen, we are safer in their Twilight Zone recreational vehicle than we are sitting on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.
They all somewhat agree and head back to the RV and discuss arrangements with Chevy. They get back on the road barreling down the highway in Clark and Ellen’s RV.
Chevy (to the group) – I was just telling Ellen how lonely the road is now that Rusty and Audrey are grown.
Katherine (to Chevy) – Oh I’m sure.
Chevy (to Ellen) – It sure is good to be with youngsters again, isn’t it Ellen?
Beverly- It sure is, Sparky!
Chevy (to the group) – What are all of you headed to Chicago for?
Valerie (whispering to Chevy) – Our friend Judd back there is getting a penile implant. Don’t say anything to him though, on account of him being very sensitive about it.
Chevy (to the group) – I take Viagra.
Everyone is silent
Chevy (to the group) – I made it awkward. Didn’t I?
Beverly (to Chevy) – Oh Sparky!
Katherine (whispering to Regina and Valerie) – I think we should let Clark and Ellen in on our idea.
Valerie (to Katherine) – They think they are characters from a movie, Kate.
Katherine (to Valerie) – I think they’d be fun! We could let them run the cafeteria.
Valerie (to Regina and Katherine) – It’s probably all those years of Hollywood drugs. He thinks we are “youngsters”.
Regina (to Valerie and Katherine) – It is weird but in a quirky carnival sideshow kind of way.
Valerie (to Regina) – Sort of fitting for this trip. And your museum. (Looks at Katherine)
Katherine (smiling, to Valerie) – Exactly.
The RV rumbles down the road as they head over the Kansas border.
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