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Humor,  Life

That’s a Good Google

In 2014 I wrote about What I Google because if I haven’t proven that some bloggers write shit about ABSOLUTELY nothing, no one has. Hey, I’d turn it into a series if I could think of enough things weekly to Google. Send me what you Google and maybe I will.

If you have ever been in a car with me, at the movies with me, sitting on my couch with me while watching television, you’re pretty much guaranteed to hear me utter the phrase, “that’s a good Google!” repeatedly. Within an hour television show, I have been known to pause the program several times to Google things like whether or not the actors are dead now, where they were born, how old they are and so on. You’re thinking about how lucky you are to have me in your life, aren’t you?

That's a Good Google

When in a Google search, do you immediately click on the first link or do you, like me, have criteria? For example, I always look for the most recent article or blog post which is not always the first one you see in the search.  If you are looking for information on whether a person is alive, a blog post from 2015 isn’t going to help you as much as a blog post from 2018. Also, if I am asking a specific question, like the need for tick repellant in winter below, I won’t get my answer from a tick repellant company because of course, they are going to tell you YOU NEED TICK REPELLANT ‘TIL THE END OF TIME. So when looking for your answer, choose with caution. One last tip, sometimes Google will have two links for a specific company:

 

 

The first two links are for Realtor. com but the first link is an ad link. Meaning Google gets money every time you click on that link. Personally, I don’t usually care which link I click on because I am all about everyone making their own money but if I am in a bad mood I click on the second link because why in the hell should Google get paid for me wanting to find a fake dream home in Idaho??

 

What’s the origin of Guacamole? Also: what is the country of origin for guacamole?

We love guacamole in this house, even my picky 10-year-old loves it but where did it originate? According to Google, Mexico is the country of origin for guacamole and we can thank the Aztecs for creating it.

Fun fact– there is a National Guacamole Day (every day in our home). It’s on September 16th. You’re welcome.

Does Trader Joe’s take checks?

Yes, they do! By the way, some of us old-timers still love to use checks. Stop the shaming and embrace people who are different from yourselves. PS- floating checks is way cooler than swiping a debit card and being denied in front a line full of people. Did I say that out loud?

Head here to read all the stores that still accept checks because they love people afraid of change. I AM LOOKING AT YOU FRIGGIN’ OLD NAVY.

How old is too old to get a tattoo? 

This was a Google out of necessity because my mom is getting the hummingbird tattoo with us and wanted to make sure it was safe. She talked to her doctor after the initial google and he said it was fine. Also, life is short, have fun, But talk to your doctor if you have health issues before you get one. Also, google the shit out of how much it costs, which is why we are postponing it because of college, graduation party, summer vacation.

Do you have to apply tick repellant to your dog in the winter? 

Your vet will tell you yes but is it really necessary? We googled it this winter not because it costs money but because are we wasting time doing it each month when ticks aren’t even around? So I clicked on the fourth link down in my search and according to the website Taste of the Wild, ticks can live in up to – 30-degree conditions. Eek. So slather Rover up with the preventative even in the middle of January because ticks are the lice of the pet world and nobody has time for that nonsense.

Why is bedding so expensive? 

I love when I type in a Google search and it comes up as something that has been searched before because it makes me feel less like a moron. Or at least, like there are people out there who get me. So why IS bedding so expensive? Google has no clue, just links to web polls, community sites, and blogs asking the same question. But I can tell you that my go-to for sheets and bedding is TJ Maxx. They are 50% cheaper than Target and Wal-Mart. Why on EARTH Wal-Mart has the balls to charge over seventy bucks on ugly bedding, is beyond my realm of comprehension.

Do squirrels have self-confidence? 

Have you ever noticed squirrels when they cross the road? They go into the street, then turn towards where they were coming, then dart into the middle of the street, then stare at you, then scoot 50 mph to the other side. It got me thinking one day that those squirrels are very much like me when I make major life decisions.

via GIPHY

By the way, when I started typing in my search, up came do squirrels have self-tanner? which makes me feel better about my Google search choices.

I can’t tell you if they have self-confidence but I can tell you that after entering in that search, I now know that squirrels masturbate to avoid sexually transmitted diseases and that squirrel sex is an internet thing.

Jesus God help us all.

How do you take the Safari app off of the iPad? 

If you have curious kids that like to look up information on your devices, this Google search might be helpful to you. According to Google, follow these steps:

Go to settings.

Click on General.

Click on Restrictions.

Click on Enable Restrictions.

Is the word Google capitalized in a sentence? 

Since I’ve been typing a capital G in front of oogle the entire blog post, let’s find out if it is indeed capitalized when it is not used as a verb in a sentence.

Well, it depends on whom you talk to. Merriam Webster says nope, Google is lowercase. But the Oxford English dictionary says OH HELL NO, CAPITALIZE THE SHIT OUT OF THAT.*

*I added shit and hell

**Also, they are the people adding commas every damn place, so you choose

**But I am totally listening to them because I already capitalized it like, 25 times

Is the chest waxing scene real in the movie The 40 Year Old Virgin? 

Yes, it is.

God bless Steve Carell.

via GIPHY

How do you find friends on Stumble Upon? 

Your guess is as good as mine. If you don’t know what Stumble Upon is, consider yourself lucky. As a blogger, it’s just one more way for readers to discover things you wrote. But to find people you actually like and want to read on Stumble Upon is as easy as waxing Steve Carell’s chest.

Is James Earl Jones still alive? 

Apparently, it has been checked a lot because there is even a Snopes article about him dying. He’s alive and well (at the writing of this post) at 87 years old. God bless him. He is one of my most favorite actors of all time up there with Sidney Poitier, Spencer Tracy, Tom Hanks and John Cusack.

How do you register to vote? 

My oldest daughter turned 18 this past March and wanted to find out how to vote (love her civic pride) but then she dropped the ball and it was too late to vote in the latest election (love that she’s so much like me).  According to the Illinois DMV, in our state, you have to be registered at least 27 days before an election to be qualified to vote and you can do it online by heading here.

Fun fact– North Dakota is the only state that doesn’t need you to register before you vote. WHY THE HELL NOT??

Is Ted Kennedy dead? 

He’s been dead for almost ten years. I didn’t miss him, did you? The only reason I looked it up was because of the movie Chappaquiddick coming out.

Not-so-fun fact– Ted Kennedy died three weeks after John Hughes.

Did Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn have kids together?

I love a good ole’ blended family especially because we are in one but who doesn’t love these two? So Kurt has a child from a previous marriage, Goldie has two from a previous marriage and together Kurt and Goldie have a son Wyatt, born my sophomore year in high school which seems like yesterday but it wasn’t.

It was 32 fucking years ago. So Wyatt Russell or Hawn (not sure what he goes by because California celeb hippie couple), is 32 years old.

How do you stop a dog from digging in the yard? 

Wikihow has 11 steps to stop your dog from digging in your yard. That sounds like 10 steps too many to me so I chose to click on the Humane Society’s link in hopes for a much easier and less time-consuming idea to get Buddy from digging his way to the Earth’s core each time he goes out to pee and poop. After scanning AN ENTIRE PAGE full of tips, I decided that I really don’t care what our backyard looks like anymore. So we put the trampoline over the Buddy holes which sounds a lot worse than it really is.

Whatever happened to Hot Mustard sauce at McDonald’s? 

If you are a fast food hater, move on to the next question and don’t tell me how bad it is for me. But if you are like me and only love your chicken McNuggets with hot mustard sauce, then you are probably in denial about it being off the radar. THEN you come to find out that it’s not GONE gone, it’s only GONE gone where you live.

WHY DOES CHICAGO WANT ME TO BE SO UNHAPPY AS IT PERTAINS TO MY CHICKEN MCFAUXNUGGETS??

I googled “hot mustard sauce McDonalds” and there was an odd silence about it on the interwebs. Like a conspiracy theory of McNugget proportions. There was a change.org petition to bring back the Hot Mustard sauce that has since closed and got over 10,000 signatures but I am still hot mustard-less so guess that didn’t work. In the same Google search, there’s also a butt-ton of recipes to make your own hot mustard sauce that I am sure tastes nothing like McDonald’s because of no high fructose corn syrup or MSG, like all the other all-American fast food sauces.

Menopause friendly clothing. Does it exist? 

I hate that I am at the age where I have to type shit like the above, but here I am. I’m tired of looking fatter than I really am. Let me be real with those of you women who haven’t gone through it yet: your tummy will look like you are five and a half months pregnant even if you are thin, exercise every day, eat well, get plenty of sleep, take vitamins BLAH BLAH BLAH. You will sweat from places you had no idea existed, you will feel bloated all day every day, and your clothes won’t fit. Even the “fat” clothes. I want something long enough to cover my belly, loose enough so I don’t feel like I’ve been eaten by a boa constrictor, and thin enough so I don’t sweat through it. I feel like this isn’t a lot to ask of women; women who have been through 30 plus years of periods and who for the love of GOD deserve a break.

Apparently, menopause clothing doesn’t exist. Until I clicked on the Shopping link on Google and my eyes MY EYES. Did you know a night sweats pajama even existed?? That’s not all, apparently, as well as night-clothes that don’t give me the night sweats, I need a blender, a tube of lube and a meditation bracelet.

 

If I thought a container of Super Lube could help, I would use the hell out of it. Somehow I think the lube is less for the vaginal dryness and more for help in me fitting in my clothing each day.

Well, that’s all I could think of for today’s edition of WHAT CAN I WRITE THAT DOESN’T MATTER IN THE BIG SCHEME OF THINGS.

If you think of anything more good Google’s, let me know.

 

I love to write about my family, John Hughes, tacos and Bruce Hornsby. Not necessarily in that order.

20 Comments

  • Rachel W

    I’m dying ?
    “Somehow I think the lube is less for the vaginal dryness and more for help in me fitting in my clothing each day.”
    Seriously, this. This kind of thinking is why I ❤️ The heck out of you!

  • Jessie

    I do the same thing!! The other day, while watching Kate and Leopoldo, I just googled what does Meg Ryan look like now. I’m so tired of googling women 20 and more years older and seeing what they look like. I should stop. It’s not helping my self esteem for sure.

    Yessss about Walmart’s ugly priced too high bedding. My daughter stopped by Payless shoes to find a pair of combat boots for a performance. $50! ?At Pay LESS. Obviously, they’ve forgotten their name.

    My granny got a tattoo several years ago with her daughters. They all got angels. She lived. All is well. Tell your mom.

    The holes. I’m just thankful our pup isn’t tunneling out of the yard.

    Today we received our last US approval needed. Now we need one more Indian approval before we can go to court!!! ?

  • FLORENCE

    I can relate Kari. I google up practically everything. My husband or a friend will ask me a question & if I don’t know the answer, I tell them to google it & they look at me like they never thought of such a thing. I learn a lot through Google searches. Whenever I see a movie, like “The Greatest Showman,” I google up all the characters to find out about them. I def don’t click on the first link that shows up, or those that are ads. I try to click on one that looks non-biased. I use Google all the time when doing research for selling on Etsy.

  • Rebecca

    I love dipping my McFauxNuggets in hot mustard! Culvers should have hot mustard!
    I ordered a cooling bed mattress pad. I think that’s what it’s called, like an egg crate. It works really well specially during the summer.
    Rebecca recently posted…NecessityMy Profile

  • Melanie

    OMG, you are so hysterical! I am snorting because I’m laughing so hard. My husband does the same thing as you when we’re watching TV or a movie – he Googles things about the actors or even where the movie was filmed. Drives me crazy…I look over at him and yep, there he is on his phone, Googling away. Don’t ever make me sit in the middle of you two.

    You don’t really still write checks at stores, do you?! (Yes, I’m judging you. ha ha)

    Squirrels masturbating…OK, I can’t get that one out of my mind. Thanks a lot. #willhavenightmarestonight

    Menopausal clothing…all I ask for are jeans that actually fit women over the age of 50. My legs and butt are thinner, but like you mentioned, my I no longer have a waistline. And I look like I’m 5 months pregnant. So if I get jeans that fit my legs and butt, the waist is too tight. Cuts into my flesh and gives me muffin top. Go up a size and the waist fits, but then the butt and legs are too too saggy. Do I ask for too much? Do clothing designers themselves not have this problem? Ooh, that’s a good Google! I’ll leave it up to you.

  • Amy

    So much good info in one post. I think I’ve google’d some of the same questions. You’re getting a tattoo? I’m so behind. Also when I saw the headline, I read it as if you were saying a compliment to Google – the way you would say it to a dog…”That’s a good Google.” And now that’s the only way I can hear it in my head. I’m sorry about the night sweats. And the hot mustard sauce.
    Amy recently posted…Chicken v. RobotMy Profile

    • Kari Wagner Hoban

      So I don’t get the night sweats which makes me the minority as it pertains to menopause. I did go through a period of hot flashes and felt like my face was on fire but it doesn’t happen all of the time for me. I have enough other horrible symptoms though in case you were feeling like I got off lucky. 🙂

  • Michelle Leslie

    Bwahahahahahahahah 😀 Just spat my coffee all over the laptop, not once mind you. When will I ever learn. Loved reading this Kari. Useful tip wrt to the Buddy digging. Our furries did the same and the only thing that worked was putting some of their poop inside the hole and closing it up again. It took about two weeks for them to stop. And bonus the lawn gets a bit of fertilizer at the same time. Now I’m off to Google whether my insurance will cover a coffee splattered laptop 😉

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