Humor,  Life,  Uncategorized

My Blood Sucks

Recently, I decided that in addition to making me better on the inside via therapy, I also wanted to find a new doctor.

I liked my old doctor but it was near impossible to get in for an appointment, their email system was awful, and honestly, she was a pill pusher.

Every time I went in for something, it was ten minutes of talk, five minutes of examination, and two to three medication scripts,

I felt empty every time I would walk out of her office complex.

I needed a change.

I should clarify that I wasn’t looking for a holistic doctor, not that there isn’t anything wrong with that. I wanted a doctor who would prescribe me antibiotics if I had strep throat, not put me on a course of vitamins and essential oils.

Don’t get me wrong, I love oils, I just don’t think they will heal me if I am dying.

So I found an Integrative Medicine doctor group near me that treats ALL of you instead of just the symptoms. Essentially get down to the nitty-gritty and really find out what the hell is wrong with you.

In my case, it was migraines and weight gain.

I am aware that I am in menopause and those are symptoms, but something just seemed off.

I would try diets and nothing would work beyond a week. My low carb lifestyle was just eh because I would get bored after two weeks and then hit a stall in weight loss. And I just felt meh all the damn time.

I know menopause sucks but this was way beyond menopause suckage.

Towanda!!! - Finding your inner hero - Fried Green Tomatoes
If you’ve never seen Fried Green Tomatoes, right that wrong STAT.

So I went to the new doctor in early June, fell in love with the soft zen music in the lobby, the smell of essential oils wafting through the hallways as opposed to rubbing alcohol, and the time the doctor spent with me.

My new doctor spent a total of 45 minutes listening to me and occasionally chirping in.

I have never had a doctor spend that kind of time with me.

Ever.

She listened, gathered information, and told me that they needed to do a complete blood panel the following week after a 12 hour fast.

A “million dollar workup” of all sorts of shit that might be running through my body.

I don’t think I have ever had six vials of blood ever taken from my body.

Two weeks after the blood was drawn, I went back to my doctor and they leveled with me.

It’s not just menopause making me feel like shit, I got literal shit goin’ down in my veins.

I had elevated levels of cholesterol, something I had never had before in my life.

I had a high glucose count, that along with several other numbers pointed to pre-diabetes.

And the scariest of all was that I had what they called high levels of “sticky cholesterol”; a silent but deadly cholesterol.

I was told that I needed to go on a low carb diet STAT. I needed to do strength exercises STAT. I needed to take a daily fish oil supplement STAT. I had to lower my doses of Naproxen each month so I could take a daily baby aspirin STAT.

Okay, maybe I added in the STAT but they told me in no uncertain terms that it was a good thing I got my ass in there (my words, not theirs) because I was headed down an ugly road.

Apparently, this sticky cholesterol is genetic along with another thing in my blood: I have high levels of something called Leptin resistance.

Which is described best here:

Eat more, gain body fat.
More body fat means more leptin in fat cells.
Too much fat means that proper leptin signaling is disrupted.
The brain thinks you’re starving, which makes you want to eat more.
You get fatter. And hungrier.
You eat more. Gain more fat.
And so on.

Courtesy of precisionnutrition.com 

Don’t come at me with medical jargon, but all I know is that for the first time in my life I felt validated.

I am always fucking hungry.

I know you are saying ME TOO and I’m gonna stop you right there.

I am always gonna be hungrier than you.

Always.

But to find out it’s in my blood, made me so happy.

I was born to eat, people!!!!

via GIPHY

Sorry, it was getting way too serious in here. 

So you’re gonna get a kick out of this.

I currently am not allowed to take the daily baby aspirin to help with the sticky cholesterol.

Why you ask?

Because, as you know, I get migraines and because of said migrainage was told to take naproxen for pain alongside my migraine medication on an as-needed basis when they occur.

Backstory– my old doctor and my current neurologist both suggested in November that I stop taking Advil and Tylenol for headaches because they were causing rebound headaches in me, so I haven’t taken either of them since then.

Therefore, I take naproxen in place of the Advil and Tylenol I used to take for pain. I haven’t had a rebound headache cycle in that time, I am doing better with my migraines, and all is right with the world.

I don’t have as many headaches, and I probably take naproxen a total of four times per month. But if I am having a really bad migraine month, it could be more.

When this current doctor talked to me, she asked what I take for migraine pain (as needed, of course). I told her all of the above and she said, well, that’s a problem.

Why you ask?

Because naproxen AND daily baby aspirin can rip the lining of your stomach.

DID YOU GET THAT? Rip. The. Lining. Of. Your. Stomach.

Oh, it gets better.

She then said that if I take more than five naproxen a month, I can’t take the baby aspirin.

Umm, I never know how much naproxen I will take in a month because my migraines are unpredictable.

Some months I could have one migraine, others I could have ten.

I then told her that if I could predict how much naproxen I will need or how many migraines I will have in a month, I’d be richer than her.

She had no answer for me other than to reduce my naproxen each month. Essentially, control how much pain I feel each month.

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

It was at this point that I thought my migraines could literally kill me.

And then I did the most unexpected thing: I laughed.

And laughed,

And snorted.

And laughed again.


via GIPHY

Side note- I am on a GIF roll as of late. I may do an entire post with JUST GIF’s. If you don’t like it, go read Pioneer Woman. 

So this is where I am at now.

Kind of in limbo.

Of trying not to get headaches, shopping for dorms, working from home and dealing with lots of other fun life issues.

While not medicating my non-resistant leptins with carbohydrates.

What the bloody hell. 

I wish I had never gotten the damn blood test, to begin with.

They call it a silent killer for a reason.

SILENT.

SHHH.

I feel another GIF coming on.

via GIPHY

I love to write about my family, John Hughes, tacos and Bruce Hornsby. Not necessarily in that order.

27 Comments

  • Ani Kay

    Damn girl! Getting an answer is much better than getting the run around, but getting this answer?! Holy heck. You’ve basically just got to turn your life around to get in the clear. NBD, you’ve got this!

    And I am with you on the hell-train that is migraines. Have you tried CBD? I just recent started using it, and it’s not a miracle drug by any means, but it takes away some of the horrible migraine symptoms so you can sleep it off. It won’t exactly help if you’re out and about, but it’s good for when you’re home.

    So what’s your game plan? Also gifs are gifts from the internet gods.

    • Kari Wagner Hoban

      I want to get high every day I MEAN MEDICATE MYSELF EVERY DAY. But in all seriousness, I think medical marijuana needs to be discussed because I would rather medicate with natural herbs than with yet another pill.

      My game plan is to keep the diet going, taking fish oil daily, exercising, and drinking lots of water to keep the migraines at bay. I have another appointment in two weeks and plan to ask what can I do going forward.

  • Melanie

    I am so glad you found a good doctor that actually listens to you! But now the question begs to be asked…what was her suggestion for you in HOW to reduce the pain you feel each month?!

  • Mrs K @ Mrs Kringle's Kitchen

    Not to be rude but you’re kind of a mess right now, eh? LOL BIG HUG

    I wish I knew what to tell you and I know that’s some scary shizz they told you. I know you don’t wanna go all woo woo but have you tried or talked to a doc about feverfew? I know two people who had chronic migraines and it helped both of them with no stomach issues. One of them does acupuncture every other month to compliment the therapy and these are two people who almost qualified for disability because of them. (Over half the month spent in migraine pain before.) I’m glad you found a good doc though because sadly, they are harder to find these days.
    Mrs K @ Mrs Kringle’s Kitchen recently posted…Ice Cream Cone CakeMy Profile

    • Kari Wagner Hoban

      A hot steamin’ pile o’ mess is more like it.

      I want to talk to my doctor about all of these options because I feel like she would be open to it.
      I also need Zoloft because OH MY GODDDDD.

  • Jessie

    Kari, that sucks. But your new doctor sounds fantastic. I wish we had one here. Florida healthcare system is not good.

    We give 9 tubes of blood EVERY year for the adoption. And they’re not testing the good stuff like your doctor. It’s stupid, repetitive testing for the big guns which we aren’t in a risk category for. Like HIV, Hep B (vaccinated,duh), and TB.

    I hope you feel better SOON and I’m thankful there was no silent killer event here.
    Jessie recently posted…A new post and I don’t know what to title itMy Profile

  • Brian

    George Carlin once said of doctors, “It’s all guesswork in a white coat.” I tend to agree.

    They’re still better than me guessing for myself. I’da been dead a long time ago.

    With my 13 pills-a-day diet, I rattle like a baby toy most of the time, but by-golly those pills are keeping me alive (I guess) by fighting my heart disease, cholesterol, diabetes, high blood pressure, rickets, scabies, stinky farts (not so much) and God knows what else I have lurking in my guts.

    Good that you’re doing the legwork in getting everything checked out. Remember that doctors work for you, and not the other way around. I ask tons of questions and I ask again and again until I get an answer. In fact, I just switched doctors and really like the new guy. We’ll see how much I continue to like him after I go back for my bloodwork results next week.

    Side note: I once had blood drawn and the cholesterol actually separated from the blood while the sample was sitting there in the tube. The doctor looked at me like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EAT, MAN?!?!?

    One of my prouder moments.

  • Terra Heck

    It’s great that you found a doctor that listens, really listens. I have one now that’s amazing like that. Bad thing is, my insurance doesn’t cover a lot of his practice. I can get another doctor at a different health clinic. I wouldn’t have to pay hardly anything. So I’m in a limbo of what to do. Ideal scenario: Have the dr. I like move to the clinic that pays!
    Anyway, back to you, hope you get to feeling better soon!
    Terra Heck recently posted…Dinner for Dinos – Children’s Book Review and GiveawayMy Profile

  • Rita

    First, this: “I may do an entire post with JUST GIF’s. If you don’t like it, go read Pioneer Woman.” This right here is why I love you so.

    Second, damn girl. Are you telling me they won’t let you have the migraine meds you need? Because I don’t actually know what it’s like to be a drug addict, but I always imagine the desperate, panicky feeling I have felt the few times I could not take meds while having one is what it must be like. And what it is like is fucking unbearable. So I really hope that’s not what you’re telling me or that it is somehow different for you because I cannot imagine that and would hate to think that that’s what you’re going through. Oh and also: You really can’t control your migraines. I’m done with that kind of gas-lighting business. I have tried every possible thing and here’s what I know about my migraines: There are not consistent patterns. None. They come when they come.

    Third, I finally made an appointment last week to see my doctor because I just don’t feel right and haven’t for months and months and months and I don’t want to go to the doctor because it feels like they never ever do anything that makes any damn difference, but this post is motivating me to go through with it. Thank you.

    I hope you find some answers/relief soon. I am glad you listened to your body and took it seriously and trusted yourself enough to say that what was going on was not just menopause. (As if there’s any “just” to that to begin with.) We so often minimize our health issues and let health professionals diminish them, too. (Started for me at age 16. Long story.)

    Love you and want you to keep us posted on how this goes.
    Rita recently posted…7-Day Book Challenge: Dear Fahrenheit 451My Profile

    • Kari Wagner Hoban

      I love your comments so much for so many reasons but the biggest is that you have to use paragraphs and words like FIRST SECOND. You have to know how much of a gift that is to a blogger. 🙂

      She didn’t take them away from me but she suggested that the naproxen was the reason I couldn’t take a baby aspirin each day with no other alternative at this point. It’s interesting because the week before I had a regular checkup with my neurologist and she suggested taking a baby aspirin and a half a glass of coca cola the next time I get a migraine to see if that works as an alternative way to get rid of a migraine. So maybe a baby aspirin a day will help my heart AND keep migraines at bay? BUT I am on a daily preventative that is fine to take and actually may be helping me, its a blood pressure medicine that has virtually no side effects.

      I am so glad you made that appointment, let me know how it goes. I am glad I finally listened to myself and honestly, I believe that it was therapy that helped me to do so. I haven’t been listening to myself for many years because I felt silly or overreacting but now that I am in therapy, I realize those are never silly or irrational feelings. Amazing how everything is kind of a trickle-down effect.

      Love you too, and I will. 🙂

  • Florence

    I love your gifs, especially that last one. Oh I’m so sorry for all your trouble! And it sounds like it. Hope you start feeling better! I found out I was taking way too much Advil & had to go to Tylenol instead. Well I found out Tylenol works about as well…not quite but about, so maybe when you get started…I mean really started on the new diet, you’ll begin to feel better & you’ll have less headaches.

    • Kari Wagner Hoban

      So I have been on the diet for a solid month and I feel so much better. Apparently, sugar is what the primary problem is because the only time I have had a headache is when I cheat a little (wine, shhhhhhh). I see the doctor again next week, so hopefully, we can work something out so I don’t feel so in limbo.

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